Reprocessing

It’s been almost a month since my doctor’s visit and request for antidepressants. I already know that it’s working for me since I’m more even keeled and less irritable but I’m not exactly “happy”. I have to remind myself at times that the medication isn’t designed to bring me happiness but rather, to give me the clarity of mind to seek my own happiness. It is not always easy despite the medication.

Within days of beginning the medication Mr. Intellectual and I had a falling out that I still don’t understand and probably never will. In the middle of an msn chat I said something about the stalker that he apparently didn’t want to know about and signed off in the middle of a discussion. I found out a couple of days later through the help of msngeeks.com that he had not only blocked my contact name but deleted me. I won’t lie- his behaviour hurt. It cut me to the core because his actions were an almost direct repeat of A.’s only weeks earlier. He didn’t bother to reply to an email I sent that same night asking what happened. I haven’t seen or heard from him since then and it bothers me at times.

While I keenly mourned the loss in the following days afterwards, I picked myself up and moved on. I could see the writing on the wall for several months now and knew it was inevitable. He never disclosed to his current girlfriend that he was not only still friends with me, but we were in contact almost daily- watching movies, going out for dinner, or just hanging out and talking. When I asked him why he didn’t just tell her since neither of us had any desire to get together again he replied that she was already “worried” about me (read: threatened) and he “didn’t want her to worry needlessly when there was no reason to.” Granted she has been over in Europe since September for school and the long distance thing is difficult, I know, but by not telling her would only compound the situation should she ever discover it. By keeping our platonic relationship a secret only casts it in a suspicious light if and when she finds out about it. If there was nothing to worry about, why keep it secret?

However I had always hoped, perhaps naively, that if and when the time came we could part amicably and wish each other well. From things he had said I knew deep down that we couldn’t remain friends as long as he was dating her since he chose not to be honest and upfront about our friendship. His choice to keep me a secret always bothered me since it spoke of how he valued me and even more so now after the way he chose to leave the friendship. With distance and a little more perspective I think my behavour at the time triggered issues or memories from our relationship that he either hadn’t dealt with or had forgotten about and for that I’m sorry. I also get the distinct impression that his emotional involvement with me, and my life scared him.

All I know for certain is that ever since he left in April for his month long tour of Europe with the girl he was different with me, in that there was a flip-flop of behaviour towards me that indicates some inner struggle. He’d also changed after I told him of my acceptance and scholarship into the Ph.D program at one of the leading Universities in Ontario. In a weird twist of fate it seems like our lives had suddenly been switched- I was the one now driven to achieve my doctorate and he was steering towards a comfortable life comprised of a career and marriage. Without the medication I would never have been able to look objectively at the end of my relationship with Mr. Intellectual and find some peace with it.

Within days of its end I stopped looking back and have started looking forward. Instead of being mired down with grief, self-doubt and unanswered questions, I’ve started to thread together a delicate happiness and planted my feet along a new path in my life. I can look at myself in the mirror on most mornings and not see a broken and hideously unworthy individual, but rather I can see a young woman with promise and hope. I also understand why Mr. Intellectual chose to walk away and I bear no grudge towards him, but wish him well and hope only for the best for him. There will always be a small ache from the void he has left in my life with his leaving, but I have loved and learned from our 8 years together and I will never forget.