Monday, July 25, 2005

What Happened?

So two weeks ago I met this really intriguing and incredibly nice guy- he’s smart, funny in that sarcastic quirky way I love so much, and attractive. It has been almost two years since a man has made me feel this way. The best part is that he’s into me for who I am beyond my outward appearance. He’s also honest, a quality I’m finding difficult to come by these days.

The problem is that I met him at a very difficult time in his life right now, and I guess it just isn’t going to happen. At least not for a very long time. In a sense I knew this was going to be the eventual outcome, despite the very strong connection we felt together. He recently left his wife whom he found to be cheating on him with his best friend. They’ve been married less than a year. That’s a lot to deal with, without me on the side. He’s in a whole other world of pain and trying to make some sense of a situation that obviously makes no sense. It’s just unfortunate since I’ve become quite smitten with him.

I made the error of letting my heart get away from me on this one and I’m paying for it now. There is so much we share in common, including the heartbreak. It has been almost exactly a year since I moved on from Mr. Intellectual and it still brings me incredible pain. I’ve had to give up on the dream I held for my shared future with him. The constant contact I have with him only brings fresh pain and sleepless nights. I’m still angry and raw with the pain at times, especially when I never seem to get anything positive from our interactions.

Hearing about his new and seemingly ‘perfect’ girl makes it that much harder- especially when I hear little tidbits of information from him about things he’s doing for her that he never did for me. I’m devastated that he made the changes for her that he could never make for me, despite all the sacrifices I made and hard work I put into the relationship to make it work. I wonder why I failed? What was it about me that didn’t seem worth it? Was it some passive-aggressive crap that he pulled to keep in control of the situation? I’m still struggling to define the relationship and wonder if it wasn’t just a tad emotionally abusive- that he’d tear me down and keep me insecure and depressed to make himself feel better, more important, more needed. When I was doing great I think my independence scared him. I’m tired of screaming in the dark over this. I’m tired of feeling less than. If I only had to courage to sever all ties I’m sure I’d be a much happier person, or at least the healing could really begin.

I keep holding out, thinking we can be real friends. I’m just not ready to say good-bye for good yet. He’s the key to so much in my past that I can’t remember because I was so depressed that I’d block out that time from my memory in order to cope. He’s also still holding ransom some of my possessions that I just want back, things that are semi-irreplaceable and I just don’t want him holding onto for the rest of his life. In a sense I’m still not 100% ready to give up on us, as much as I’d like to move on. I still love him and I’m having a hard time letting that go. For many years he was the only good thing in my life.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I Like

I like that you work with your hands

I like that you’re a little bit preppy

I like that you dig what I want to do for a living

I like that you know about antiques

I like that you drive a truck

I like that you took time out of work on a Monday to take me to lunch

I like that you have manners

I like that you really listen to what I say and ask questions

I like that you’re a little shy

I like that you share my love of The Tick

I like that you’re interested in me for more than my looks

I like that you stand up for yourself

Saturday, July 09, 2005

New People

I went out tonight with some people to a Stag and Doe. I met someone new and interesting. He's not an academic but he knows an astounding amount about a few historical topics that are near and dear to my heart and my thesis. He's also an amateur collector of WWI & WWII artifacts. From what we discussed he has quite the collection that I'm very intrigued about. He also appears to be smitten with me...although that could just be the influence of the liquor we consumed. Both he and I drink very infrequently so I'm a bit under the influence as I type this.

I went from one of the lowest lows this week, to a relatively calm and serene place at the moment. I actually physically broke down at work a couple of days ago, something that has only happened to me once before and I was a young teen caught between a rock and hard place last time. This time I just couldn't stop the tears and for the remaining 6 hours of my shift I had a rough time from keeping the tears from falling. At one point I was pretty desperate and was looking around at possible places to hang myself at work- which there were none. It was scary. Eerily familiar. Like I had a mental and emotional breakdown. The last time it was like that I was supposed to be hospitalized and refused to be admitted. When this all happened at work on Thursday I was ready to go to a walk in clinic the next morning to get a script for some anti-depressants. Unfortunately I was stranded at home without a car until my next shift at work- so that never happened.

I decided instead to try and re-engage in life and the things that I love and help me understand who I am. My job and the place it puts me in is not healthy. Everyday I feel like I am selling my soul for money and I came close to losing myself completely because of my job. I find it hard to get out of bed, let alone do anything productive and remotely enjoyable. I kind of surprised myself by agreeing to going out in a social situation that normally causes me to withdrawn into myself and creates a fairly high degree of social anxiety, but I knew if I didn't go I'd only retreat further into my mental breakdown. I think I'm learning some degree of coping. I'm glad I long as he actually calls tomorrow to arrange for me to see his collection. Otherwise it's a missed opportunity academically, since he has quite a few good connections in the field I'm breaking into.