New People

I went out tonight with some people to a Stag and Doe. I met someone new and interesting. He's not an academic but he knows an astounding amount about a few historical topics that are near and dear to my heart and my thesis. He's also an amateur collector of WWI & WWII artifacts. From what we discussed he has quite the collection that I'm very intrigued about. He also appears to be smitten with me...although that could just be the influence of the liquor we consumed. Both he and I drink very infrequently so I'm a bit under the influence as I type this.

I went from one of the lowest lows this week, to a relatively calm and serene place at the moment. I actually physically broke down at work a couple of days ago, something that has only happened to me once before and I was a young teen caught between a rock and hard place last time. This time I just couldn't stop the tears and for the remaining 6 hours of my shift I had a rough time from keeping the tears from falling. At one point I was pretty desperate and was looking around at possible places to hang myself at work- which there were none. It was scary. Eerily familiar. Like I had a mental and emotional breakdown. The last time it was like that I was supposed to be hospitalized and refused to be admitted. When this all happened at work on Thursday I was ready to go to a walk in clinic the next morning to get a script for some anti-depressants. Unfortunately I was stranded at home without a car until my next shift at work- so that never happened.

I decided instead to try and re-engage in life and the things that I love and help me understand who I am. My job and the place it puts me in is not healthy. Everyday I feel like I am selling my soul for money and I came close to losing myself completely because of my job. I find it hard to get out of bed, let alone do anything productive and remotely enjoyable. I kind of surprised myself by agreeing to going out in a social situation that normally causes me to withdrawn into myself and creates a fairly high degree of social anxiety, but I knew if I didn't go I'd only retreat further into my mental breakdown. I think I'm learning some degree of coping. I'm glad I went...as long as he actually calls tomorrow to arrange for me to see his collection. Otherwise it's a missed opportunity academically, since he has quite a few good connections in the field I'm breaking into.