Monday, June 23, 2008

An Anniversary of a Sort

Ten years ago this month I sat waiting in a park in the dusky twilight, on a bench beside a baseball diamond. I was waiting for Mr. Intellectual to come home from a visit to his Nana’s. This was the night we started dating. The night after we had shared our first kiss. I waited in that park for a couple of hours since I didn’t know when he would be home. A less patient girl would have given up and gone out with her friends instead, but I wanted him. In hindsight that night was to be the first of many where I would wait patiently for him.

Ten years later we’re no longer even speaking to each other. We’ve both sort of moved on. I know he went looking for this blog around the time of my birthday last month and found it. I still keep in touch with his cousin so I know what he is or isn’t up to and that he’s still with the girl he started dating after we broke up. I am finally making peace with the relationship, the issues it created, and the impact it had on my life.

After we broke up 4 years ago, I had planned on mailing him a gift on our 10-year anniversary with a thank-you card. The gift was going to be a leather-bound, Arden’s Playgoers edition of Hamlet. It was a gift I had been trying to source off an on while we were together since that was his favourite Shakespearian play and he absolutely loves beautiful things- books in particular. He had also given me the leather-bound Arden’s Romeo and Juliet years before for Christmas one year, so it was a fitting gift I thought. The card was to say something about the gratitude I have for the 6 years we spent together and the good times we shared. How he was an important part of my life and one of my best friends and for that I will always love him as a friend and think fondly of him. In the end I decided to just leave him be. He made it abundantly clear two years ago that he didn’t want to have anything more to do with me, so I respected that. As much as I would like to reach out to him, given how difficult things are for him at the moment, I know his pride would never allow him to accept my friendship right now. Instead I will leave the past in the past and continue moving forward.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I think...

If you asked me tomorrow, I would say yes.

Monday, June 02, 2008

A Ghost of a Memory

Last night I returned to the University town after a very restful month at my parents place on the Farm. While unpacking and listening to music I suddenly remember something from the distant past. I had completely forgotten the night before I left home for University for the first time. It was a bittersweet parting between Mr. Intellectual and I. I don’t really remember what we did that evening, but sometime before midnight saw us dancing slowly to some of our favourite songs, holding each other closely. I can’t remember how long we stayed like that, but it was probably for a few hours. Slowly spinning around room, talking softly with my head resting on his shoulder and nestled up close to his neck. Later he dropped me off at my parent’s house in the early morning hours. I remember being excited for the next morning and all the new things that moving out and starting University would bring. My excitement was tempered with sadness at leaving Mr. Intellectual, who chose to stay at home and begin school at the Hometown University. He was very melancholy at our final parting. Soft kisses and gentle words were shared before he drove away that night.

Now, almost eight years later I think about that night as if it was from another era, and in a sense it was in a different intellectual and emotional era in my life. I’ve been in post-secondary school for 8 years now, earned 2 degrees and experienced more in the past 4 years apart from him than I did in the previous 6 years with him. But I wonder about the feelings I had while with him. I’ve been emotionally stunted in the love department since we parted ways 4 years ago. I wonder if I can be that emotionally open and available to anyone again. So far I have failed miserably and not just because I’ve picked men who were far from desirable partners. Thinking about that last night together I miss the simple sweetness of loving someone in that way- the absolute trust, adoration, and fearlessness of loving without holding back. Have I seen too much and been through too much trauma with men to turn back the clock in my heart to that time?