Saturday, April 26, 2008

Dangers of the Workplace

I'm in the throes of writing a paper for my course on advertising and consumption. For most of the time it's an uphill struggle but I have experienced brief moments of reprieve, where the words flow easily and writing feels like I've found my voice again. These moments are for a few sentences at a time or maybe a paragraph if I'm particularly fortunate.

This morning I rolled over to the unpleasant discovery that at some point in the night a small, purple post-it note had become attached to my belly. I woke up slightly confused and disoriented to the knowledge that this little piece of paper had burrowed its way under my t-shirt and affixed itself beside my bellybutton for the duration of the night. I'm still puzzled how it made its way upstairs and into bed with me. Perhaps it came from the book I was reading before I fell asleep, or more likely it fell off an article as I straightened up before I called it a night. Either way, its been one of the more unusual consequences of academia that I've experienced- right up there with the time I pulled my shoulder picking up a book off the floor.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Where I'm At

Lost. I feel lost. Somewhere in the past 6 months I’ve allowed myself to be swallowed whole into a relationship that is neither truly beneficial for me nor truly destructive. Much like the way I feel right now it is just sort of there. He’s a decent sort of man who will make some woman very happy in the future. He will love her, care for her and they will be happy with the domestic routine. In the end, he is just not for me. There is no real connection of the mind and I can feel myself slowly eroding emotionally from this.

He needs some one less opinionated, less dominant, less cerebral and consumed with spending time inside her head. He often gets frustrated with my over-intellectualizing and the amount of time I spent inside my head turning things over and gently prodding them for their larger meaning and structure. He would argue the opposite and that we’re great together, but I know I’m not being true to myself. I am not who I am with him and alter my personality to fit more smoothly into his life. I suppress things, alter moods and put aside interests to create a more harmonious relationship. All of which I know are wrong, but I can’t help it.

The problem lies in the fact that he’s a great friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a great guy for hanging out on a patio in the summer sun, drinking beers and sharing casual conversation. But as my brother, the World Traveller, has said he just isn’t cultured enough for my tastes and long-term happiness. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just not my type. I also know that when we break up we cannot be friends- he won’t accept that. This relationship is such that he wants all or nothing, and I can’t give him what he desires. With both our birthday’s coming up in the next month I really do need to do something about this. I know I’m not responsible for how he reacts, but I hate hurting other people’s feelings, particularly when it comes to relationship hurts. The worst part about this is that there really isn't an overwhelmingly bad thing about the relationship that makes breaking it off easier.