Thursday, March 30, 2006

1000 Hits

Shortly after putting up Ph.Depressed I installed StatCounter. I was curious about who was stopping by and reading my words, but more importantly I was curious to see if Mr. Intellectual ever visited. You see he is the only person I know in real life that I’ve told about the site. He is the only one for whom Jane Canuck is not an anonymous figure on the internet. To my knowledge he has never stopped by, even though 1000 other hits have been registered, and people that I don’t even know have taken time out of their lives to read my words. This is a fact that still surprises me- that someone other than myself reads here and perhaps finds value in my writing.

It’s pretty safe to assume that Mr. Intellectual has never read here and probably never will. Despite the fact that I had given him the web address the week I put it up almost a year ago, I know he doesn’t know what it is right now. A few weeks ago I was talking to him about my site and casually mentioned that I’m averaging 200 hits a month in the last few months and how shocked I am about it. At that point he asked for the address again. This time I thought about it and decided that I really didn’t want him reading here. I was afraid that the concrete knowledge that he read my words would cause me to censor myself, something that defeats the purpose of having this outlet. I politely declined, saying that right now I’d prefer if he didn’t have the site.

While it hurt that he never bothered to come here, despite claiming to be one of my best friends, in the long run I’m at peace with that knowledge. This place has always been all about me and figuring out what’s inside my head, since I don’t trust therapists and psychologists. The second half of the dichotomy is that I knew it would only be a matter of time before he shared this place with his current girlfriend if he had the address. The thought of her reading my pain and angst is just too much for me to handle at this point. As much as I want him to understand me now and read what I went through and continue to struggle with, I don’t want her to be here. We’re not a couple anymore and nothing will change that, even if he gains a better insight into my psyche. We’ve both moved on and no foreseeable good could possible come of him keeping tabs on my emotional wellbeing through reading Ph.Depressed.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Emailed Angst

Yesterday in a moment where I could no longer take the uncertainty and angst building up in me over my current tenuous relationship I sent him an email. When we talked on the phone earlier in the evening I just couldn’t bring the words to cross my lips. It’s a well-known problem for me since I can formulate exactly what I want to say in my head, but to get those well thought-out sentences past my lips can be a challenge to say the least. I did the next best thing; I used the written word instead of the verbal. I wrote that email knowing that he wouldn’t read it last night but at some point today after he gets up.

This morning I’m not exactly feeling too great about what I wrote. It’s not that it wasn’t the truth about how I feel about our relationship at the moment, that’s not what is making me angsty this morning. I know it had to come out before it made me an insecure wreck. It’s more that I’m unsure of how he’ll answer it and how he’ll react to the email. We’re both adults and should be able to deal with this maturely, however when you throw in human emotions and romantic relationships all the usual rules of civility can be thrown right out the window.

The second reason for pause is the timing. This isn’t exactly the best timing for a heavy discussion of our current situation, but then again there never is a good time. All I know is that I don’t want to become what I was during my 6-year tenure with Mr. Intellectual so I’m trying to do things differently, and that includes bringing up concerns and problems I might have in a timely manner before they have time to fester in me. But mostly I want more. I want to be able to expect more from any serious relationship I enter into than I had previously expected, which was just about nothing. I want to be able to entertain expectations and have them met and not brushed off as insignificant and unworthy of consideration.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Making the Impossible Work?

Today I feel like I’ve been trying to make the impossible work. To create a functional relationship where one could not possible exist. Take away the common roots like a shared knowledge of the agency we both work for, albeit at different branches and different capacities, and our hockey league and you’re left with very little. What does a 24-year-old History grad student have in common with a 35-year-old who’s well established in his career and more than a little comfortable in his current lifestyle? Where exactly do I fit into his life and daily routines?

While I’m a voracious reader, I have no idea what the last book he read is. I have a passion for education and my research. My current list of goals and projects to be completed stretches into the next eight years of my life or so. He on the other hand has few plans beyond the next day and is currently well on the way to realizing his career goals and chosen path, which he’s very content with. Despite the fact that I know he values his education, it took him 7 years or so to finish up a B.A. and he currently has no desire to seek out any more education. The notion of higher education is a process he finds boring and tedious and completely out of his realm.

He can also be extremely critical of people and can show very little compassion for others at times. From small comments he’s made in regards to those with mental health issues I find his answers a little troubling and not without a bit of misunderstanding of the problem. It makes me more than a bit apprehensive and frightened to reveal my past and current struggles. I suppose the issue of trust, respect and unconditional love looms large in my psyche at the moment because a man I was surer of in his love for me rejected me in the end for those very same problems he originally accepted and tried to understand.

At the moment my biggest hurdle is his uncommunicative nature. We talk on the phone during the week and can talk at length about superficial things like our respective work, common friends and hockey, but delving into conversations of any depth is difficult at best. When it comes to understanding what he’s thinking or feeling I draw a huge blank. When we're face to face the level of communication drops even more and it worries me. His actions at times tell me that there is depth to his feelings but it’s difficult for me since those actions are currently infrequent. I, of all people, know that still water’s run deep but when confronted with this it’s another story. I’m trying to let go and give into my feelings but without some corresponding actions on his part I don’t trust myself to fall in love at the moment.

This past week has been especially difficult for us since our respective schedules left little time for the two of us, and when we were finally able to see each other he was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone talk to me in any meaningful sense. Not to mention there was very little time for us to be alone together. What ended up happening instead was that I started to think that perhaps this relationship was held together by very fragile threads and based mostly on sex. It was enough to make me more than a little sad about the relationship and the direction it’s heading in. If it’s a sex thing I’d like to figure that out now so I can cut off those other persistent feelings in the back of my mind and avoid being hurt when it doesn’t work out.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Worth A Rewind, Part II

This scene where Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson go out in that A-team styled van to collect their pledges for the frat is one of the funniest van abduction scenes I have ever seen in a movie. I had to re-watch this scene at least twice to get the full effect. In particular the fountain tackle and the grocery store abduction where Ferrell goes back to grab something out of the wife's bag cracked me up.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

A Simple Thank-You

Dear A.
I want to thank-you for reminding me that I am actually special and beautiful. The past month spent with you has been absolutely incredible and I really feel spoiled by you. From the late nights on the phone to the time we’ve spent in person, both off and on the ice are moments I have cherished. You’re an amazing person and a man that I admire a lot. I consider it a great compliment that you picked me to be with you. At this point, I think it’s safe to say I truly am your greatest fan!

~ J.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Babies and Break Ups

From the day I fell in love with Mr. Intellectual I knew I wanted to have his children. I dreamt of little chubby babies with curly blonde hair and the same piercing steel blue eyes as his. I thought we would have had beautiful children and I wanted a baby Intellectual, something that was a shared product of our love for each other. Right from the start I knew he would be an awesome father after watching him with the children his Mother babysat in her home. He genuinely loved children and could be very patient with them, while at the same time getting down to their level to interact and play. Watching him with those kids made me love him even more.

Over time we began to share our hopes and dreams for the future and children were definitely on his agenda as well. One of our favourite games to play together during our time spent alone together was to banter back and forth with baby names. Eventually it would be reduced to the ridiculous; often times horrible ancient Latin and Greek names on his side would be countered with outlandish Victorian and German names from my side. It was at this point where the game would devolve and the names being bantered back and forth were no longer for our future progeny but instead meant for the dog or dogs we one day wanted to own in our happy little house.

Eventually in our first year together we agreed upon ‘Simon’ as our first son’s name. I was extremely reluctant at first and rather disliked the name, but his charm and persuasion won me over in the end. He never could reconcile himself to my favourite girl name, Jane, and fought me over it for years. He never did like any of the baby names I picked. After a while I quietly laid aside the name Jane and moved on. At the least I always figured I could name the little grey miniature Schnauzer I wanted Lady Jane Grey.

Roughly 9 months before we split I thought I was pregnant. When I had to call him from my University town to break the news I was extremely worried, but I knew it wasn’t the end of the world. We were both 22, going on 23, and set to graduate in less than 6 months. Unlike when we were teenagers I knew that having a baby at this point in our life wasn’t going to ruin everything. Granted it would have been hard, but we were adults and quite capable of supporting a child. I knew that I wouldn’t be going to Grad school right away and the time table for our wedding would have to be moved up by a couple of years, but I loved him and knew we would be alright. It would have been my life that would have changed more dramatically than his, since he could still go to grad school and do all the things he was planning on doing, while I would have put my plans on hold to support him and our unborn child. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make because I loved him unconditionally.

The reaction I got from him when I told him that I was late and thought I was pregnant was nothing like I expected. In fact it was a complete heartbreak for me. While I didn’t expect him to be overjoyed with the news I never could have predicted his reaction. He acted like I had ruined his life and absolutely could not function for the week or more I had to wait before I could get a pregnancy test. I spent the next week reassuring him, talking him through it and trying to help him get through the day and get all his academic work done. He acted like a man thoroughly broken and unable to continue because of the news. Not once did he ask how I was feeling or coping. Not once did he tell me he loved me and would be there for me regardless of what happened. He was unequivocally selfish and self-absorbed during this short time and it shattered my trust in him. I was devastated to learn that he just wasn’t the man I thought he was.

Somehow I managed to pick up the pieces and move forward. It turned out to be a false alarm. I had never been pregnant, and yet I never looked at him the same again. For several weeks afterwards he didn’t even want to touch me- like I was poison. Not only did I feel alone and abandoned after the whole experience I was now a pariah. I attribute the biggest reason for our downfall to this episode, even though he doesn’t realize it. Afterwards he had no idea that he was even treating me differently but it was there and was to remain between us for the next 9 months until I walked away from the relationship.

Perhaps it was my naivety that made me see myself with his children so soon into the relationship. Or maybe it was my absolute trust and unconditional love of him. Whatever it was, I haven’t seen myself with children in the future since then. I haven’t met a man since Mr. Intellectual that has made me envision bearing his children. Even though I’m with someone right now, I don’t see myself with his children. The whole notion is so foreign and the idea uncomfortably incongruent in my mind. I think I’m afraid to trust a man again in that way, but I hope one day I can get over that and see that not everyone is like Mr. I. Had I really been pregnant our baby would have been turning two this summer.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Humour, Part II

I ran across this site not too long ago after a nod from another blog I read daily and loved the idea. I'm already a huge fan of 18th and 19th century etchings and they just took it to a whole new level. I have of course added it to my ever expanding bookmarked list of websites to check back on daily.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A Baker's Dozen of Fun Facts

1. L.M. Mongtomery was my favourite author as a young girl.

2. I rarely wear matching bra and panty sets.

3. I’m a natural blonde and love it.

4. I reluctantly bought my first cell phone this past August under protest.

5. I love plain, ruffled potato chips and in the past have been known to eat an entire bag in one sitting.

6. The sight and/or sound of a street bike is a huge turn on for me.

7. I’ve never been dumped.

8. My longest relationship was 6 years and 2 months, while my shortest relationship was 2 weeks.

9. I like my coffee from Tim Hortons- large, double-double.

10. I currently weigh as much as I did in Highschool.

11. I have five brothers, (four of whom are older than I am), two sisters-in-law, a niece and a nephew.

12. My favourite flower is the iris.

13. I’m left handed.

Monday, March 13, 2006

"Because I was thinking of you..."

I feel spoiled. The man I've barely been seeing for two weeks now surprised me on Friday with a simple, yet elegant bouquet of three roses, with greenery and some tiny purple spring flowers, simply because he was driving past the floral shop on his way home and was missing me. It's an incredibly sweet gesture, especially since I haven't received flowers from a man in years. He said that I'm supposed to think of him when I look at them- he sure knows how to make sure I miss him while I'm away at school during the week. It doesn't hurt his cause to know that they came from the premiere floral store in the area, whose work I absolutely love!


“You will see as you go through life, as I have, that there are a number of people in the world who are afraid of success. They don't think they deserve it and as they approach success they sabotage it. Men have a tendency to do it in their careers, Bill Clinton is an example, and women have a tendency to do it through poor relationship choices. I suspect that there is some of that at work here; I don't think that she thinks she "deserves" happiness and so subconsciously is sabotaging it.”

A friend of mine recently wrote this to me about a woman that he is seeing, and how he’s processing the relationship as it breaks down and is slowly coming to a close. When I first read his words it felt like a kick in the stomach since this woman and his description of her behaviour could be me at times. I’ve often wondered off and on why I do the things that I do, and if I was doing it on purpose to set myself up for failure. Do I pick the “wrong” man and the hard road on purpose because I don’t believe I deserve better?

I think one of the biggest reasons for this is that I never expected to make it to my 20th birthday. Every birthday and every day since then is a bit of a surprise even though it really shouldn’t be, and yet as the days creep up towards the eve of my 25th birthday I wonder how I ever made it this far? I know half of the answer to that question is The Promise, but the other half of the answer eludes me. If I count up all the days that I’ve spent beat down, miserable, feeling less than human and horribly broken between the age of 20 and 25 they form the vast majority of my days. There is a period of almost 2 years that I can’t remember anything at all, that’s how dark they were. If I need help referencing a tidbit of my life during those years I have to call up Mr. Intellectual, check back in old day-timers, perhaps my journal if I could muster up the strength to write something down on paper or forever resign myself to a blank in my memory.

I never had a plan for my life past 19, and this what I still struggle with daily. Why am I still here, and what am I supposed to do with myself now? Do I really deserve to be here when so many good people who are so much more deserving than myself are being taken prematurely? I’m fucking up everything I have going for me because I’m afraid to reach out and take something I think I don’t deserve. I’m afraid I haven’t earned the opportunities I have, or the good people around me. I don’t understand how someone can love me when I can’t find anything in myself to love. So I sabotage it, because that is what I think I am worthy of.

I waste away my days instead of constructively pursuing the completion of my Master’s so that I’ll be ready to start that Ph.D in fall. I go out on dates with men who are less than ideal, and when someone really great comes along I cut and run, or find some reason not to be with them. I push away my girlfriends and isolate myself so that I can’t get hurt, and in the process I’m only hurting myself more.

I know that in the past I accepted behaviour from Mr. Intellectual that was totally unacceptable because I felt that I didn’t deserve better and had no right to ask for more. I feel completely hideous on the inside and fear anyone getting to know that side of me, so I settle for less because as far as I’m concerned that is as good as it’s going to get.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Music That Speaks...

I first heard of James Blunt a while ago and soon after downloaded his song, “Beautiful”. I never really went further to look up his other songs until recently. If I could write poetry or music I think his CD could have come straight from my heart. His song “Goodbye My Lover” is particularly poignant and talks to me in a way that no other song has. It’s like he’s had a relationship and the loss of it just like Mr. Intellectual and I had. The last CD I bought was David Grey’s White Ladder so it’s time to open up my wallet again in the name of great British musicians.

Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

The video is pretty great too.

Monday, March 06, 2006


There is very little that actual brings me to anger. However, the fastest way to make me angry is if I catch you in a lie. I don’t know what it is about lies that turns my blood cold and immediately causes me to become upset. During the 6-year tenure with Mr. Intellectual I constantly caught him lying to me, and it became a source of great disappointment. Perhaps the most upsetting aspect of his lies is how unnecessary they were since they generally came in the form of little white lies and exaggerations. When I asked him once why he lied so much about such trivial things he said that he did it to make his life seem more interesting, to make people like him more. Every time I caught him fibbing little details of a story in a social situation I would not only become silently irritated but also embarrassed. When he pulled it on me during our alone time it was hurtful and I felt disrespected- like he didn’t think enough of me to just be himself and not embellish on the truth, or that he expect I was too stupid to see through it.

I understand the big lies, not that I condone them, but it is the trivial little white lies that I have no patience for. For me, lying is a deal breaker. Ever since Mr. Intellectual I have made it a rule not to tolerate lying, especially not the little ones. I expect and deserve a certain level of trust and honesty with the man I choose to have a relationship with. I’d rather be alone than settle for any less after trying to come to terms with it for six years.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Email Flirtations

“Beautiful girl, smart, funny...complete package, what else can I say.”

This little gem popped into my inbox yesterday from someone who makes me smile. I think I’m smitten but scared to just let go and give into it. We’re having dinner together Friday night and I’m really excited about getting a chance to see him again.