1000 Hits

Shortly after putting up Ph.Depressed I installed StatCounter. I was curious about who was stopping by and reading my words, but more importantly I was curious to see if Mr. Intellectual ever visited. You see he is the only person I know in real life that I’ve told about the site. He is the only one for whom Jane Canuck is not an anonymous figure on the internet. To my knowledge he has never stopped by, even though 1000 other hits have been registered, and people that I don’t even know have taken time out of their lives to read my words. This is a fact that still surprises me- that someone other than myself reads here and perhaps finds value in my writing.

It’s pretty safe to assume that Mr. Intellectual has never read here and probably never will. Despite the fact that I had given him the web address the week I put it up almost a year ago, I know he doesn’t know what it is right now. A few weeks ago I was talking to him about my site and casually mentioned that I’m averaging 200 hits a month in the last few months and how shocked I am about it. At that point he asked for the address again. This time I thought about it and decided that I really didn’t want him reading here. I was afraid that the concrete knowledge that he read my words would cause me to censor myself, something that defeats the purpose of having this outlet. I politely declined, saying that right now I’d prefer if he didn’t have the site.

While it hurt that he never bothered to come here, despite claiming to be one of my best friends, in the long run I’m at peace with that knowledge. This place has always been all about me and figuring out what’s inside my head, since I don’t trust therapists and psychologists. The second half of the dichotomy is that I knew it would only be a matter of time before he shared this place with his current girlfriend if he had the address. The thought of her reading my pain and angst is just too much for me to handle at this point. As much as I want him to understand me now and read what I went through and continue to struggle with, I don’t want her to be here. We’re not a couple anymore and nothing will change that, even if he gains a better insight into my psyche. We’ve both moved on and no foreseeable good could possible come of him keeping tabs on my emotional wellbeing through reading Ph.Depressed.