Self-Sabotaging

“You will see as you go through life, as I have, that there are a number of people in the world who are afraid of success. They don't think they deserve it and as they approach success they sabotage it. Men have a tendency to do it in their careers, Bill Clinton is an example, and women have a tendency to do it through poor relationship choices. I suspect that there is some of that at work here; I don't think that she thinks she "deserves" happiness and so subconsciously is sabotaging it.”

A friend of mine recently wrote this to me about a woman that he is seeing, and how he’s processing the relationship as it breaks down and is slowly coming to a close. When I first read his words it felt like a kick in the stomach since this woman and his description of her behaviour could be me at times. I’ve often wondered off and on why I do the things that I do, and if I was doing it on purpose to set myself up for failure. Do I pick the “wrong” man and the hard road on purpose because I don’t believe I deserve better?

I think one of the biggest reasons for this is that I never expected to make it to my 20th birthday. Every birthday and every day since then is a bit of a surprise even though it really shouldn’t be, and yet as the days creep up towards the eve of my 25th birthday I wonder how I ever made it this far? I know half of the answer to that question is The Promise, but the other half of the answer eludes me. If I count up all the days that I’ve spent beat down, miserable, feeling less than human and horribly broken between the age of 20 and 25 they form the vast majority of my days. There is a period of almost 2 years that I can’t remember anything at all, that’s how dark they were. If I need help referencing a tidbit of my life during those years I have to call up Mr. Intellectual, check back in old day-timers, perhaps my journal if I could muster up the strength to write something down on paper or forever resign myself to a blank in my memory.

I never had a plan for my life past 19, and this what I still struggle with daily. Why am I still here, and what am I supposed to do with myself now? Do I really deserve to be here when so many good people who are so much more deserving than myself are being taken prematurely? I’m fucking up everything I have going for me because I’m afraid to reach out and take something I think I don’t deserve. I’m afraid I haven’t earned the opportunities I have, or the good people around me. I don’t understand how someone can love me when I can’t find anything in myself to love. So I sabotage it, because that is what I think I am worthy of.

I waste away my days instead of constructively pursuing the completion of my Master’s so that I’ll be ready to start that Ph.D in fall. I go out on dates with men who are less than ideal, and when someone really great comes along I cut and run, or find some reason not to be with them. I push away my girlfriends and isolate myself so that I can’t get hurt, and in the process I’m only hurting myself more.

I know that in the past I accepted behaviour from Mr. Intellectual that was totally unacceptable because I felt that I didn’t deserve better and had no right to ask for more. I feel completely hideous on the inside and fear anyone getting to know that side of me, so I settle for less because as far as I’m concerned that is as good as it’s going to get.