Making the Impossible Work?

Today I feel like I’ve been trying to make the impossible work. To create a functional relationship where one could not possible exist. Take away the common roots like a shared knowledge of the agency we both work for, albeit at different branches and different capacities, and our hockey league and you’re left with very little. What does a 24-year-old History grad student have in common with a 35-year-old who’s well established in his career and more than a little comfortable in his current lifestyle? Where exactly do I fit into his life and daily routines?

While I’m a voracious reader, I have no idea what the last book he read is. I have a passion for education and my research. My current list of goals and projects to be completed stretches into the next eight years of my life or so. He on the other hand has few plans beyond the next day and is currently well on the way to realizing his career goals and chosen path, which he’s very content with. Despite the fact that I know he values his education, it took him 7 years or so to finish up a B.A. and he currently has no desire to seek out any more education. The notion of higher education is a process he finds boring and tedious and completely out of his realm.

He can also be extremely critical of people and can show very little compassion for others at times. From small comments he’s made in regards to those with mental health issues I find his answers a little troubling and not without a bit of misunderstanding of the problem. It makes me more than a bit apprehensive and frightened to reveal my past and current struggles. I suppose the issue of trust, respect and unconditional love looms large in my psyche at the moment because a man I was surer of in his love for me rejected me in the end for those very same problems he originally accepted and tried to understand.

At the moment my biggest hurdle is his uncommunicative nature. We talk on the phone during the week and can talk at length about superficial things like our respective work, common friends and hockey, but delving into conversations of any depth is difficult at best. When it comes to understanding what he’s thinking or feeling I draw a huge blank. When we're face to face the level of communication drops even more and it worries me. His actions at times tell me that there is depth to his feelings but it’s difficult for me since those actions are currently infrequent. I, of all people, know that still water’s run deep but when confronted with this it’s another story. I’m trying to let go and give into my feelings but without some corresponding actions on his part I don’t trust myself to fall in love at the moment.

This past week has been especially difficult for us since our respective schedules left little time for the two of us, and when we were finally able to see each other he was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone talk to me in any meaningful sense. Not to mention there was very little time for us to be alone together. What ended up happening instead was that I started to think that perhaps this relationship was held together by very fragile threads and based mostly on sex. It was enough to make me more than a little sad about the relationship and the direction it’s heading in. If it’s a sex thing I’d like to figure that out now so I can cut off those other persistent feelings in the back of my mind and avoid being hurt when it doesn’t work out.