Emailed Angst

Yesterday in a moment where I could no longer take the uncertainty and angst building up in me over my current tenuous relationship I sent him an email. When we talked on the phone earlier in the evening I just couldn’t bring the words to cross my lips. It’s a well-known problem for me since I can formulate exactly what I want to say in my head, but to get those well thought-out sentences past my lips can be a challenge to say the least. I did the next best thing; I used the written word instead of the verbal. I wrote that email knowing that he wouldn’t read it last night but at some point today after he gets up.

This morning I’m not exactly feeling too great about what I wrote. It’s not that it wasn’t the truth about how I feel about our relationship at the moment, that’s not what is making me angsty this morning. I know it had to come out before it made me an insecure wreck. It’s more that I’m unsure of how he’ll answer it and how he’ll react to the email. We’re both adults and should be able to deal with this maturely, however when you throw in human emotions and romantic relationships all the usual rules of civility can be thrown right out the window.

The second reason for pause is the timing. This isn’t exactly the best timing for a heavy discussion of our current situation, but then again there never is a good time. All I know is that I don’t want to become what I was during my 6-year tenure with Mr. Intellectual so I’m trying to do things differently, and that includes bringing up concerns and problems I might have in a timely manner before they have time to fester in me. But mostly I want more. I want to be able to expect more from any serious relationship I enter into than I had previously expected, which was just about nothing. I want to be able to entertain expectations and have them met and not brushed off as insignificant and unworthy of consideration.