What Happened?

So two weeks ago I met this really intriguing and incredibly nice guy- he’s smart, funny in that sarcastic quirky way I love so much, and attractive. It has been almost two years since a man has made me feel this way. The best part is that he’s into me for who I am beyond my outward appearance. He’s also honest, a quality I’m finding difficult to come by these days.

The problem is that I met him at a very difficult time in his life right now, and I guess it just isn’t going to happen. At least not for a very long time. In a sense I knew this was going to be the eventual outcome, despite the very strong connection we felt together. He recently left his wife whom he found to be cheating on him with his best friend. They’ve been married less than a year. That’s a lot to deal with, without me on the side. He’s in a whole other world of pain and trying to make some sense of a situation that obviously makes no sense. It’s just unfortunate since I’ve become quite smitten with him.

I made the error of letting my heart get away from me on this one and I’m paying for it now. There is so much we share in common, including the heartbreak. It has been almost exactly a year since I moved on from Mr. Intellectual and it still brings me incredible pain. I’ve had to give up on the dream I held for my shared future with him. The constant contact I have with him only brings fresh pain and sleepless nights. I’m still angry and raw with the pain at times, especially when I never seem to get anything positive from our interactions.

Hearing about his new and seemingly ‘perfect’ girl makes it that much harder- especially when I hear little tidbits of information from him about things he’s doing for her that he never did for me. I’m devastated that he made the changes for her that he could never make for me, despite all the sacrifices I made and hard work I put into the relationship to make it work. I wonder why I failed? What was it about me that didn’t seem worth it? Was it some passive-aggressive crap that he pulled to keep in control of the situation? I’m still struggling to define the relationship and wonder if it wasn’t just a tad emotionally abusive- that he’d tear me down and keep me insecure and depressed to make himself feel better, more important, more needed. When I was doing great I think my independence scared him. I’m tired of screaming in the dark over this. I’m tired of feeling less than. If I only had to courage to sever all ties I’m sure I’d be a much happier person, or at least the healing could really begin.

I keep holding out, thinking we can be real friends. I’m just not ready to say good-bye for good yet. He’s the key to so much in my past that I can’t remember because I was so depressed that I’d block out that time from my memory in order to cope. He’s also still holding ransom some of my possessions that I just want back, things that are semi-irreplaceable and I just don’t want him holding onto for the rest of his life. In a sense I’m still not 100% ready to give up on us, as much as I’d like to move on. I still love him and I’m having a hard time letting that go. For many years he was the only good thing in my life.