The Cynic

I think I’ve become cynical towards love. I am an inherently logical person, and love has little to do with logic and critical thinking. I don’t believe in soul mates, or even love at first sight. I’ve never experienced love at first sight although I once thought I was with my soul mate. However, over time I’ve come to realize that I could be extremely happy and well suited to a number of individuals in this world, not just one “perfect” man.

I believe that love and a good relationship take a lot of work, and this work needs to be actively engaged in on a daily basis. Compromise, forgiveness and the ability to love unconditionally all go into the mix. When I look at my oldest brother’s marriage I realize he and his wife have achieved everything in their relationship because of the constant work they put into it. The Family Man’s relationship is rock solid and built on trust, understanding and a lot of compromise. They are the couple everyone envies because of how perfect their relationship appears. Even after 8 years of marriage they still act like newlyweds in public- holding hands, whispering secrets and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It is only through candid discussions with my sister-in-law that I have come to understand everything that went into their marriage to get it to the point where it is now. Behind closed doors things were not all roses and sunshine. The good things in life don’t come easy and they’re proof of that.

I’m wondering if my cynicism is preventing me from even attempting to put the work into a relationship that I know is necessary to create that strong foundation for a long-lasting future. Or, perhaps it’s because I have yet to meet the man who makes me want to put in the effort and reform my ways. I know I’m not a hopeless romantic. Each serious relationship I have engaged in was approached with a critical look at the future and how I generally thought things would play out. I wasn’t all that wrong with Mr. Intellectual and I. All the problems and issues I envisioned before I agreed to date him happened, and in the end we weren’t strong enough people to overcome those issues like I believed we could.

The same could be said for my relationship with A. I foresaw a future of miscommunication, cultural differences, unsupportive behaviour and feeling alone within the relationship. In the middle of our first date at a horrifically expensive restaurant there was a moment when I knew that it wouldn’t work between us since it became all too obvious by reading between the lines of our conversation that we were two incredibly different individuals. Despite knowing that and feeling dismayed by it, I pushed down that revelation and allowed myself to be swept up by the attention he lavished on me, and the money he spent on our dates and being sweet to me in between. Being the logical person that I am I was conflicted for the last few weeks of the relationship on whether or not to cut it off or allow myself to love him. In the end my initial gut reaction was right and he took off on me before I really had to make that choice.

I have a bad habit of ignoring my gut feelings when it comes to men and this incident really brought that home to me. I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary upheaval if I had just trusted my instincts- when I have they’ve never been wrong. At the same time I worry that those same instincts at some point will interfere with my ability to form a new relationship if I listen to all the apprehension and fears, warranted or not. So my philosophy has been to push them down and give the guy a shot with one date. A. was the only man in 2 years of dating post-Mr. Intellectual that made it past date number 2 before I decided to listen to my instincts and move on.

Knowing what I know about myself, and the baggage I now carry around I think it’s going to take an incredible man to take me on. At times I think it’s an unfair burden to hand almost unaware to any man, no matter how much he thinks he loves me. This has led me to avoid dating for long periods of time and to occasionally think about the idea of remaining single for the rest of my life. Spinsterhood served an important function historically, one that is largely forgotten in our modern era and it holds a certain appeal to me. My own Mother sometimes talks of her maiden aunt who was absolutely critical to her family’s ability to get by when she was a young girl. In reality I know this isn’t a practical solution to my issues, regardless of its appeal.

Acknowledging your faults and actively trying to change them are two very different things. While I readily admit my growing cynicism towards love and even dating in general, it’s another thing to halt its progression. I remember fondly the innocence and openness I displayed when Mr. Intellectual and I first started seeing each other. Neither of us had learned those life lessons that close up a persons heart and cause us to create walls to protect it. I should be striving to be more like the innocent and honest person I used to be with love instead of dwelling on the negatives I’ve encountered with various men. It’s all too easy to be swept up in my personal hurts and needlessly judge men based on the failings of others. I need to refocus my thoughts and attention on the positives of those past relationships or it won’t be long before I really am a hardened cynic beyond reform.