Pre and Post-Date Wrap Up, Candidate #1

Candidate 1: 34 year old former IT professional who created his own business in the recent past. Single, but shared custody of a dog from his last relationship of 3-years that did not lead to marriage.

First Impression: A nice, well-spoken gentlemanly type. Well educated, and shares several of my interests in common. Appears good-looking and confident with a great smile from his profile pictures, however these can be deceiving.

Second impression (from brief msn chats): Repeats the following phrases a little too often- “I have a good feeling about you,” and “ Are you very affectionate, because I love being affectionate.” Our online conversations are a little stilted and short, and he also has a bad habit of saying he’ll be right back only to disappear for the remainder of the evening.

The Plan: A 7pm meeting at a Starbucks. Our first attempt was cancelled just hours before hand for a “business meeting with an important client at 7 pm”. Our second attempt the following week was for afternoon coffee at Starbucks, which I cancelled last minute because I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I wanted to give him a fair chance. The third time the following week actually happens.

Pre-date feelings: Apprehensive. Candidate #1 is a little older than I’d prefer and I’m picking up some strange vibes from his comments and behaviour. I’m trying to remain open minded, but wouldn’t be surprised if he is the “touchy-feely” type and a little on the creepy side. I expect a civil date, but no sparks and most likely no second date.

The Date: He is pretty nervous, understandably, but looks like his picture, which is always a good thing. The only minor difference is I detect faint, but distinct features/scars from a cleft-palate, but it’s no big deal. The barista’s all know him and later he admits to coming to Starbucks 3-5 times a week and hanging out, which I find a bit yuppie, but each to his own, right? The first hour of conversation is a little more awkward than normal for a first date, and he is definitely your typical IT geek, but not in the “dungeon’s & dragon’s” sense- more like he spends too much time at work and hasn’t fully developed his social skills, as well as harbouring a few personality quirks. By the third hour he’s more relaxed and comfortable and I have a relatively good time. Thankfully he refrains from touching me or encroaching on my personal space and doesn't come across as creepy.

Prior to the date I had, for the first time in my dating life, developed an exit strategy with my roommates. Someone was going to call my cell phone just after 8 o’clock. If I wasn’t desperate to get out of there after an hour I wouldn’t pick up, but if I wasn’t feeling it at all I would answer and the story would be that my house mate just got off work, her car wouldn’t start and I needed to go pick her up since I was the only other housemate with a car. She called at just after 8 and I didn’t even hear the phone. Had I heard it I probably would have answered, not because I was having a horrible time, but more so because I was getting tired and I had to pull out the side-show of witty anecdotes and odd but interesting tidbits from my life since the conversation was flagging a bit and he wasn’t giving me anything to work with. When necessary I can really “market” myself well, but it's exhausting. It’s funny because at one point he said that he thought I was the type that could sell ice to Eskimos.

Oddities of the date:
- At one point he offered me a job in his friends business. They company was looking for someone to sell the product, something I know nothing about, not to mention that I’ve never done sales before.

- He discussed the “custody dispute” ongoing with the dog he bought with his former live-in girlfriend. It was a bit weird and he was obviously bitter and upset over it still. In January she cut off all contact and wouldn’t allow him weekends with the dog because she believed he was using the dog to get back together with her. I have no way to corroborate this, however he adamantly states that it was the dog he wanted to see, not her since it was his idea to buy the dog and he picked her out, cared for her and had a greater attachment to her.

- He brought up “the site” in a whisper that I didn’t catch at first, and asked how long I’d been online for and why I decided to go try a dating site.

- We discussed the myriad of coffee shops in our city and the pro’s and con’s of several, including those that have free wireless. He then proposed that one day we go to the free-wireless spot to work together since he could pick up his stuff and work outside the office whenever. He thought it would be great to work across from each other on our laptops, occasionally gazing over the screen at each other. While this seems cute, it was a bit quick for me to be envisioning any sort of long-term relationship that would have matured to the point where we work together at a coffee shop for a “date”.

The Verdict: It wasn’t horrible, but there weren't sparks everywhere either. However, I’d be willing to commit to a second date to see if there is any potential since first dates, especially blind ones, are not the easiest for seeing if the other individual is really compatible. My only caveat is the distinct impression I have that he's looking for a wife and chasing the white picket fence dream pretty hard right now. In the end I came home I fired off an email, thanking him for a good time and leaving the door open if he was interested in a second date.

Exam Hijinks

The course I'm a teaching assistant in had its final exam recently. My students wrote in a large auditorium that also had a science course writing at the same time in the front section of the room. As with any exam, we have to escort our students to the bathroom to ensure that no one is in there cheating, should they actually need to use the restroom. With 30 minutes left in the 2 hour exam a student on the far side of the room raised his hand and I headed over with the expectation that it was another bathroom run.

"Um, my cell phone is buzzing in my pocket and I just wanted to let you know that I'm turning it off, and not cheating."

"Ok, that's fine, " I said, as I watched him take out the offending cell phone and power it down.

"Oh, and I was wondering if I could have some extra time? I'm feeling really rushed on the last section of the exam and want some extra time." He said as he looked at me like I owed him something.

My left eyebrow raised slightly and I must have given him a look of contemptuous amusement when I replied. I had to hold back from laughing as I told him absolutely not in no uncertain terms. Clearly my answer left him unsatisfied as I heard the student bitching loudly to his friends as I picked up the papers after the exam how it was "bullshit" and we should have given him extra time.

Yeah son, I'll give you and none of the other 250 students in our course extra time because you haven't learned how to time manage during an exam. Unbelievable.

Candidate #1

I had a date last night with someone from the online dating thing I signed up for. We met for coffee at the local Starbucks. Candidate #1 is a 34-year old, former IT guy who now owns his own business, has never been married and has no children.

My students write an exam tonight and my own deadlines are breathing down my neck so there will be more details to follow when I get a minute.

Yogic Achievements

Today in Yoga I was able to touch my head to my knees- a pretty impressive feat if you ask me. Mind you it wasn't a comfortable stretch/pose, but that will take a little more time to achieve. I'm enjoying the yoga more than I thought I would, and I'm constantly amazed at how flexible I am and how much I'm improving in that area. The only downside is that in 6 weeks my study will end and if I want to continue doing yoga I'm going to have to find a studio. I've been looking around and it's pretty expensive on a students budget. I'll have to really think about whether or not this is something I want to pursue in the future given the high fees.

Small Town Success

The pinnacle of achievement in my hometown seems to be marrying young and settling down to connubial bliss. It’s the same in every small town on the North American continent. I had a hard time in high school, and really disliked a lot of the people I was forced to see on a regular basis. I never fit in anywhere in particular and had a small set of friends. My main goal was get out of town as fast as I could and academics were the perfect conduit. By maintaining high grades I guaranteed myself a spot in a University away from the hometown, and perhaps some scholarships or bursaries to help me out. I was pretty serious about my education and focused on getting the marks. In the end I graduated with a 93% average, was accepted into every university I applied to and netted some scholarships upon graduation. When I left that September in 2000 I was ecstatic and so excited to start fresh in a place where no one knew me and where I could be who I wanted to be and do anything I desired. I never really looked back.

Not too long ago I joined Facebook, and started looking back. Almost all my roommates were on it, as well as a lot of my friends and a few of my siblings and cousin’s. I joined out of sheer curiousity and boredom. Facebook really is the perfect place to spy on old housemates, classmates, friends you don’t talk to anymore and anyone else you feel like. I have mixed feelings about this “social networking site”. While it provides some good laughs between my close friends and I, it has also confronted me full on with the same people I’ve avoided since graduation 7 years ago. Discovering who’s married, who’s dating whom, who’s engaged or having/had a baby is disconcerting to say the least.

The downside of all this is that I have started torturing myself with this information. It doesn’t help that I know I would be married now had Mr. Intellectual and I stayed together. We had plans to get engaged during our Master’s and married shortly after the completion of our respective degrees. Instead I chose to pursue a Doctorate and a partner that would help create an awesome marriage, and not just an ok marriage. I didn’t want to settle for decent, I wanted extraordinary. So here I am three years later, alone and embarking on my Ph.d. He’s chasing that white picket-fence dream with some other girl and they’ve been together for almost 2 years now.

Intellectually I know how utterly ridiculous this is, but I feel like a failure. Like I’ve dropped the proverbial brass ring. I never cared about getting married and settling down immediately. Those small town objectives were never part of my persona or priorities. I was quite content to be on my own and if need be spend my life alone- I love what I’m doing, I have some great friends and my family is more than I could have ever asked for. While marriage and kids are a desire, I would still feel complete and blessed without them. I think it would be awesome to be “that Aunt”. The one who spoils her nieces and nephews and adopts them as her own, taking them on trips, indulging them on special occasions and when ever I feel like it, just because I can.

From the outside all these old classmates seem happy and stable with their lives. Who knows if that’s the truth or just the public façade. Some of the pairings seem odd, and I have to wonder if the fear of being alone has forced some of their hands into an early marriage with whatever was available in the home town, instead of waiting. The girls who became baby-momma’s, while smiling and beautiful with their dimple-faced angels, give me a moment of pause. Children are a blessing, but their unexpected arrival and the complications that creates cannot be easy. As deeply sad as it makes me to look back and see what I don’t have, I know I am infinitely better off where I am. I’m following my dreams and passion’s with my doctorate. I’m unencumbered and free to do as I please and be as selfish as I have to be to get to where I want to be in the next few years. As much as I desire someone to share my journey with I understand the value of my freedom.

One of Vladimir Lenin’s famous quotes comes to mind:

“Liberty is precious; so precious that it must be rationed carefully.”

It is easy to take it for granted when you have lots, but for those who don’t have as many freedoms it becomes so important. The irony is that in my final year of high school, in the graduation yearbook, I used that quote in my profile. I also said that my future plans were to become a Doctor, and on some level I knew that what I was embarking on would be the path less traveled. Its also good to remind myself to take advantage of my liberty now and enjoy it to the fullest since soon enough I will have a lot less of it when mortgages, family, career worries and real life comes marching in.

So while I may have failed the litmus test of my small town, and I let it bring me down, in the end I wouldn’t change a thing with my life. I just need to keep looking forward.

Online Dating- Take 3

There's nothing quite as depressing as being rebuffed by a guy on an online dating site. It's awesome!

Jane on Relationships & Sex

Over the last few years since Mr. Intellectual and I went our separate ways I’ve dated quite a few men, and started up semi-serious relationships with a few. Over time I’ve noticed some interesting things about myself when dating or in a relationship:

• If I split the cheque on the first date or pay for everything on the first date, there is no second date. I hate having obligations towards people I’d rather not spend time with, even if it’s something this subtle. So if I'm paying, it's not going well. Exceptions are for the rare first dates I initiate and expect to pay for, like drinks etc.

• If I don’t want to kiss you after the first date, there will be no second date.

• If I can’t look my partner in the eyes during sex and hold his gaze, the relationship is not for keeps and will only last a few months. To date, the only man I could have sex with and look at during the act was Mr. Intellectual.
  

• If I can hold your gaze I prefer missionary or woman on top. Doggie style is the position of choice for every one else.

• If I stop giving blow jobs and make a concerted effort to avoid going down on you, the relationship is over and I will leave shortly after realizing the change.

• I won’t tell my siblings or parents about a person I’m dating, even if it’s for a few months, if I don’t think they’re worth the trouble. This type of relationship is relatively short lived and inconsequential.

I’m in a rut, so I have once again signed up for lavalife in the absurd hopes of finding someone compatible. This time I’m approaching it a little differently in order to not waste as much time. I’m actually going to put out some of my own cold hard cash for credits, post a picture of myself on my profile and not just in the back stage and I'll be a little more selective in who I’ll agree to meet with. This is the third time I’ll have tried using an online dating service since breaking off my relationship with Mr. Intellectual 3 years ago. To date I have never had more than a lot of first dates and only a couple of second dates from online men. The exception is the Jock, who was a “friends with benefits” turned relationship disaster.

Does 26 = Old Maid?

I'm still here, still depressed and still struggling to keep my head above water academically. I don't know what to write about these days without sounding like a broken record.

For the last week and a bit I've been having almost nightly dreams of Mr. Intellectual, which is a bit odd. I think I just miss being in a relationship with someone I love and who understands me. I'm frustrated and becoming increasingly sad over my current relationship status. I think it has to do with the fact that my 26th birthday is around the corner and in cliched girl fashion I'm fretting over the possability of a lifetime of spinsterhood.

Rose of Sharon Progress

Mirabilia, Rose of Sharon

Last year I posted a picture of the progress I had made on a cross-stitch piece I was working on. Here's what it looks like now. As of last Spring I really hadn't touched this. I don't think it even left my cross-stitch bag for over 6 months. I was too depressed to take any interest in my hobbies, and the weight of me thesis lay pretty heavily on me. After my thesis defence I dug this out again, and slowly started to work on it. I come back to it for a few hours at a time when the mood strikes and can find it very therapeutic.

If You Think Writing Exams Are Bad- Try Marking Them

I'm marking midterms this week. One of the essay questions my students have is on the German invasion of Russia during WWII. I was sitting outside on the back deck, enjoying the sunshine and warm weather while I marked, since marking isn't the most enjoyable past time. Late in the afternoon I came across a student who's answer made me laugh out loud. The essay was decent, but buried in a fairly serious and straightforward answer was the following bit which I've copied verbatim.

"Ultimately, the Nazi's were too far away from home if you will, and it was impossible to continue through the harsh temperature. The Soviets successfully dodged a bullet (or several!) by abandoning and retreating as the invasion progressed. In essence, the Fuhrer rolled the dice, and fortunately for humankind, he crapped out."

I've started a little collection of quirky and downright wrong, but hilarious answers. I've even scanned some of them since they're too unbelievable to be true without the proof- like academic urban legends. I ended up giving this student a 7/10 for his answer, mostly because he broke the monotony.

Odd Things

I was checking through my StatCounter this evening since I haven't looked in over a month to see what was going on. One person stumbled upon my blog after google searching for "bmw ph.d pretty impressive too."

Whatever it was they were looking for, I doubt they found it here, but it did make me laugh.

The "Drool Study" Begins

I signed myself up for a University study on the affects of exercise for those with depression a couple of weeks ago. After too many interviews and assessments to determine if my depression fits the criteria for what they are looking for, I finally started my sessions. This was the first week where I began my stretching group exercises, which are essentially a yoga and pilates routine with a small guided meditation at the end. I go three times a week for an hour at a time. For the most part there are usually only 3 people in the “lab” at a time- myself, another participant and the girl running the session. It’s a bit awkward at first since we both know why we are there and I’m guessing that like myself it’s not something they’re openly acknowledging to people.

This study has become known affectionately as the “drool study” in my house. The girls I live with know I joined up for a University led study involving exercise, however, they don’t know it’s for depression. One of the components of the study is that at various times during the 12-week intervention I’m required to submit saliva samples from 3 different times in an assigned day. This means that I drool, or spit, into a test tube through a straw. My samples are then frozen at home and brought in to my next session. The purpose of this is to test the levels of cortisol change in a predictable way throughout the day. Cortisol is the hormone produced in response to stress. Since I live with a bunch of Science major’s they have just assumed that the study is examining the affects of exercise on stress, which essentially is one of the aspects of it. The drool aspect has caused quite a lot of hilarity in the house, as well as curiousity. So much so that the girls wanted to take a peek at my frozen vials of saliva and where I was storing them in our freezer.

I can’t say that I feel any affects as yet, aside from a few sore muscles and my carpal tunnel wrist being aggravated. I find aspects of it calming and I do have hope that even this mild exercise will do something for me. At the very least the sun has been out more and the warmer weather has finally arrived. I’m still extraordinarily unmotivated, apathetic and I have had some really bad days in the last little while. Almost crying in seminar for no apparent reason is not a good thing.

Round Up

I took last week off from pretty much everything in my life- school, the blog, man issues, and worrying about the future. It was our Spring Break here at the New Uni, so I went back to my parents place to enjoy some peace and quiet on the Farm. I spent some quality time with my family, although I didn't get a chance to see the niece and nephew which was a bit of a disappointment.

I did however get to see my 92 year old Grandmother. I've been feeling really guilty for not seeing her in quite some time. This was brought home to me all the more strongly when she said that it was good I had come, she was forgetting what I looked like. I wasn't feeling all that up to the visit, but I'm glad I went. I know our time together is short, so every time I get to see her is special now. It was a good visit because I was able to get a few more pieces of information on our family history from my mother's side. The things my Oma has seen and done in her life time are extraordinary and makes me feel all the more blessed for living in a country like Canada.

I spent Saturday on a spontaneous road trip with my brother the World Traveller, his best friend and his best friends wife. We went looking for motorcycle equipment. Not that I have a bike, or a significant other with a bike, but it was a good chance to see my brother and something outside of school. The World Travellor and his best friend just traded in their sport bikes and bought BMW Tour bikes for their next great adventure. They're as excited as kids in a candy store and I'm happy for them. It's nice to see someone living their dreams and dreaming big. Plus, seeing the BMW showroom in Toronto was impressive, I'm not going to lie.

This week I had a psych evaluation to see if I qualified for the exercise and depression study I had signed up for. I just got word this morning that I'm in and I've been assigned to the stretching exercise group. As much as I would have liked to be in the cardio group, this is probably a better idea for me. I'm already pretty flexible and if this is a yoga/pilates type of program with meditation I will be able to do this on my own after the 12 weeks are done. I think learning a new way to deal with the stressors in my life is essential since I haven't been doing all that well lately.

After the psych consult I was asked if I would be interested in participating in other studies. The person administering the evaluation said that I was a perfect candidate for their work with depression and MRI's. I gave them my number and told them to let me know if they needed me. It sounds intriguing and I'm up for anything to help me at this point. I've had chronic depression for more years than I care to count and am willing to try just about anything at this point to help me out.

Getting Back in the Game

I’m trying really hard right now to re-engage in my life. The longer I sit on the sidelines, the harder it is to start because things keep piling up and minor worries become full blown anxieties as the problem compounds. I can be a very stubborn person, which can be a negative, but in this instance it really is a benefit. Through sheer stubborn will I drag myself through each and every day so I can be a semi-functioning depressive. Every small task completed is a victory for me- from brushing my teeth after breakfast, washing my hair, to getting dressed in real clothes, putting on make-up and going to campus. Anything other than lying in bed, sleeping, staring idly at a computer screen or out my window is a success.

It’s really difficult to fight myself all the time to do things which others find so easy and mundane. It can be exhausting. I lose more than I win on most days, but it’s a start. I know my behaviour is causing damage to my Ph.d and future success here. I haven’t been completing assignments on time. I haven’t been completing all my readings or even engaging the material. I haven’t met any of the other Ph.d candidates aside from the two who are TA’s with me. I should be lining up my summer reading course, investigating what I need to do for my comprehensive examinations next fall and working on my French. At some point in the very near future I need to successfully write a French comprehension exam so that I’m certified as bilingual as part of my degree. At the moment I am so far from being bilingual that it scares me. If I let things slide any more I risk either being kicked out or having to drop out; neither of which are an acceptable choice.

Jokes on Me

We don't have cable at the house here in my Uni town. We make due with the hand full of channels we can get on regular old-school television. I checked during the week to see if we got the Oscar's on one of our channels and I could have sworn we did. I come to find out tonight when I sat down to watch the pre-show that we don't get one of the channels televising the Oscar's! So, my plans of a quiet evening, curled up on the couch, critiquing the fabulous and not so fabulous gowns, have been thrown for a loop. I love watching the big categories and seeing if they match up with my expectations or not.

Plan B is to finally watch Babel. I tried to watch all the movies up for best picture. After watching Babel the only one I missed was Letters from Iwo Jima, which I will watch shortly. There's only so many hours in a day and I think I watch way too many movies and documentaries as it is.

A Start

Someone on campus is doing a study on depression and exercise and I've signed up to participate. I have a meeting tomorrow with the person running the study to make sure I qualify and to give me more information on the project. If I make the cut I'll be put into one of two groups. The first group will do yoga/stretching for an hour, three times a week, while the second group will do cardio (cycling, rowing machine, treadmill) for an hour, three times a week for the duration of the study.

I'm hoping that this will help, or at the very least begin to pull me out of this. The next step is to ramp up my medication or try a new combination, which ever is more effective.

Coasting & Crashing

Driving home from the grocery store this evening I was suddenly struck by the realization that I’m extremely depressed. It shouldn’t really surprise me anymore, but there it is. I’m having trouble showering and washing my hair on a regular basis, finding any kind of energy or motivation to do my schoolwork, and I’m especially finding it hard to care about things in general. I’ve also started trying to anesthetize myself with food. I indulge my every craving and whim- from chocolate bars to chips, fast food and cookies. I eat when I’m not even hungry, because at least when I feel full I’m feeling something else for a change besides numb.

I’m also extremely agitated mentally. I’m restless and unable to settle my mind into any kind of coherent, logical train of thought. Bits and pieces of future and present projects march endlessly through my brain. Ideas on how to expand my MA thesis into a publishable work; Edward Bernays and the rise of marketing in a Canadian context; the Farmerettes of WWI; changing my Ph.d thesis, various trains of thought on my family history on both sides. I’m starting to feel like the tighter I try to hold on the farther away it gets from me.

I don’t want to start messing around with my medication, but obviously things really aren’t functioning as they should. One of the major problems is that I don’t have a doctor at the new university. I don’t know how the health services work here and I’m loath to start discussing the PTSD, depression and anxiety with yet another doctor. I seriously need to get myself together before I crash and burn. I already feel like this doctorate is spiraling out of control. I am absolutely coasting through my classes, doing the absolute bare minimum of the readings or not doing them at all. It’s pathetic really.

Congratulatory Surprises

Last week I spent a gruelling 48 hour period completing the final edits to my Master's thesis, getting 8 copies printed by Business Depot, and running around the old campus signing paperwork and taking care of all manner of administrative details. I'm convinced it's harder to graduate than it is to get in to University. First, you pay to apply, then you pay to stay in and to add insult to injury you have to pay to graduate and get out of the place. I think all told, between graduation fees, book binding fees and copying fees amongst other things I spent upwards of $400. However, it is all done and over with. All I have to wait for now is my Convocation in June and the return of my thesis from the printer's which should be in the next two weeks or so.

It was after midnight when I finally rolled in the door that night and I was exhausted. I was greeted by the above sight in my room. One of my house mates had left me a card and the balloons to congratulate me on finishing my Master's. It was an incredibly sweet gesture, especially since I just met everyone here in September. Inside the card was the following message:

You Deserve A Big Gold Star!

Congratulations!! You're done!!

2.5 years...'there is no telling how many miles
you will have to run while chasing a dream'
Congrats, now get some rest!!
~ house mate

I guess they were more aware of my late hours than I originally thought. I was always the last one in bed, long after everyone had gone to sleep, and always the first one up in the morning. I'm trying to adjust to a more normal sleeping schedule and a balanced work schedule. Hopefully I can get a handle on that soon or I'm really going to be burned out. The Ph.d is now officially underway and I'm hoping I can get through this in 4 years or less. I don't want to be over 30 and still in school because even I can't handle that much school.

Thinking About Life

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm especially tired of being alone while seeing someone.

It's Official

It's official- I am a Master of the Arts. My defense on Friday afternoon went as smoothly as these things possibly can. I was still relatively blase about the whole process and tired of my subject, but I suppose that is somewhat normal after working on the same thing for over 2 years.

My best friend since elementary school showed up to watch. She was the only spectator in the room and I'm grateful that she did decided to come despite some bad weather. It was nice to have someone else there besides the 3 Professor's who were examining me.

I was asked the next day how it felt. To be honest it just feels like another day and nothing much has changed. Perhaps that is because it is so anti-climatic after such a huge push and so much effort. Or maybe I won't really process it and feel the difference until the day I graduate and receive my degree parchment. Another big reason why it is just another day for me is because there is no break between MA work and Ph.D work. I have to spend some significant time in the library in the next few days to finish up a big project for a class, prepare a presentation for the same class this week, complete all the readings for this coming week and finish the edits for my MA so I can hand in the final, clean copy on Monday afternoon to the old university. I also have a 30 page paper to finish researching and write up which was from a course I took last semester. The pressure really isn't letting up and I'm not so sure how that makes me feel about the course I've set myself on.

I received the above pictured flowers from the Jock to congratulate me on finishing my MA. That is a whole other story right there.

An Incomprehensible Loss

There are times in a person's life when words fail. Now is one of those times. A very good family friend and a man I consider as a brother has experienced a heartbreaking loss this week. He and his wife were expecting their first child this coming May. Late last week she went into early labour, and despite the best efforts of the Doctors they were only able to stop her premature labour for a few days.

On Monday morning she gave birth to a tiny baby girl. Their little angel weighed in at barely a pound and a half at 23.5 weeks. She was born alive, but once the umbilical cord was cut she didn't make it. A private funeral is being held tomorrow followed by interment. This is a loss I just can't make sense of.

I can't even begin to understand what the family is going through, let alone his wife who returned home Monday afternoon, without her baby. They are a young couple, only a year or two older than myself, and were so excited to be starting their family. I sit here in tears for them, but I know my grief is nothing compared to their own. Tomorrow while I'm defending my Master's thesis they will be burying their tiny baby. Life just does not make sense to me right now.

Life Moves Forward

From a Recent Ice Storm

The date for my thesis defense is January 26th from 1:30-3:30. I know I should be nervous but I'm not really. I just want this last step over and done with so I can move on with my life.

Family History

While slogging through one of the readings I have to finish before class tomorrow I came across a line that really struck me.

"Any life story, written or oral, more or less dramatically, is in one sense a personal mythology, a self-justification."

This really brings into fresh focus my paternal Grandfather and his desire for one of my cousin's and I to collaborate in writing his biography. It is a request that I have a hard time acquiescing to for various reasons. I have difficulty putting in to words exactly why this project makes me cringe, but this line really sums it up for me- personal mythology and self-justification.

Ironically I'm more qualified now to write an accurate history of his life because of my academics, but it would be a biography that would most likely displease him. My biography would be quite different from my younger cousin's interpretation of his life which would dwell more on the myth of the figure than the reality. Also, she's just finishg up a degree in Criminology and English which again shapes her perspective. I've made no moves whatsoever to begin this project, however my cousin has bought him a tape recorder to record his personal anecdotes and things he believes are important aspects of his life.

At some time I'd like to write my family history since it is complex and interesting, but my grandfather will be one figure in the story and not the key component. I think I'm more interested in the lives of the women of my family and their personal stories.

A Surprising Discovery of Emotions

Optimism. For the first time in a very long time I feel optimistic about the future. However, I'm scared to let myself dream.

I'm scared that if I allow myself to hope and anticipate that it will all come crashing down around me. Just when I feel like my dreams are a possibility again, I find myself tempering my new found spark of joy with a healthy dose of pessimistic caution. Too much has happened to me in the past year for me to blithely abandon myself to the possibilities of what may come.

I desperately hope that I have turned a corner and the worst of it is now behind me, but to assume as much would be woefully ignorant of me.

The Downward Slope

These Orchids were one of the Christmas presents from my Father to my Mother this year.

Tomorrow I go to pick up my thesis from my advisor. It is the last round of revisions before I send it out to my committee to read before my thesis defense. I know I should be nervous but I just want it done and out of the way already. The copies of my thesis will be in my committee members hands by Monday morning sometime, and I hope to have a defense date set for the following Monday. This truly is the downward slope of an uphill battle and I'm exhausted. I haven't slept or eaten properly in well over a month. I've been averaging 4 hours a night or less to finish this up so I can begin my Ph. d this semester. I can't wait to graduate from my MA.

A Quiet New Year

I spent New Year's Eve at my parents house. The house was virtually empty since it was just my parents and I at home last night. For the most part I spent the evening in my father's office, resignedly working on my thesis in the hopes of completing it before the end of the year, while my parents watched a movie in the next room. I did however, take a break from work to spend a little time in front of the fire reading a book and enjoying something other than hard work. It was kind of a nice way to spend the night and I didn't miss the crowds and feverish celebrations at all.

Merry Christmas Mr. Intellectual

I miss you, but I can’t reach out to you anymore. I don’t know if you’re still dating her and still against having anything to do with me or not. It’s only a matter of time before we run into each other somewhere. I want to know how your first semester at the post-graduate program went and how your family is doing. I want to know if you’re happy and still as deeply passionate about History as you used to be. I want to see you smile.

Right now I would give just about everything to turn back the clock to three years ago when we celebrated our last Christmas together. As difficult as that was, it was much simpler than what I’m trying to handle right now.

I hope above all, that you are happy with where you are in your life right now.

Home for a Rest

I came back to my parents house a few days earlier than planned. Originally I was supposed to head home Saturday morning for the Christmas festivities. However, that plan changed rather quickly as I started to have a personal meltdown over the difficulties I'm encountering with completing my Master's degree. Between the stress of finishing and my issues with my advisor I was sliding fast.

I don't do well during the Christmas holiday's to begin with. Something with having to go places I'm not particularly keen on going, and putting on a good face to keep up appearances. This is my first Christmas that in addition to the depression I'll be dealing with PTSD and it wasn't going well. The fact that my Mother emailed me this past Saturday and said that I seemed "fragile" was a clear indication that if I didn't do something soon I'd either be institutionalized or something far worse.

I think this is one of the first times that my Mom has caught wind of exactly how desperate my situation can be at times, which means I'm not holding it together well at all. So I decided to come home to rest and finish up in a supportive environment where people understand what I'm up against. I haven't disclosed anything to my current house mates and I doubt I will anytime soon given how intensely private I am.

I've managed to sleep better since coming back to my own room with my comfortable bed and surrounded by favourite things. It also meant I could take some pictures of a few of the other things I collect, like my tea cups. This is one of my favourite ones. It's a Royal Albert pattern called "April Showers". It is actually a cup and saucer that my mother received as a wedding present, but recently gifted to me. I had found the same pattern in a raspberry and yellow combination at an antique store a year or so ago and bought it. It was then that my mother presented me this one as a
gift. Buying antique tea cups and china was actually one of the first things that got me into antiquing and collecting many years ago, before I was even a teenager.

The Razors Edge

I feel like I've been near the razors edge for the last little while with my thesis work. I'm so close to finishing my Master's and truly starting my Ph.d, free from the constraints of an unfinished degree. However, after a progress meeting this past week with my advisory committee I feel like I've been pushed off the edge. My head advisor and I are having what can best be described as a personality conflict. I'm extremely concerned that she's going to block me from completing this degree before the start of the Winter term in January. I wish I was over reacting, but I'm not and this whole situation has created quite the emotional turmoil for me right now.

Snow Day

Winter arrived with a bang last week, dropping several inches of fluffy powder on my neighbourhood. Despite not wanting Winter to come yet, the Canadian in me got the best of the situation and it was quite nice to sit inside and watch the storm come through. The huge flakes were pretty, and everything finally felt Christmasy enough for December.

Akin to Drowning

They say that you shouldn’t jump in after a drowning person, that even the strongest swimmer could die while attempting to rescue that person. Drowning people pose a risk not just to themselves but also to the potential rescuer because in their panic it’s possible that they will pull you down with them.

Depression is a lot like drowning. Your pain and inability to “make” yourself happy can pull down the person you are in a relationship with. Their natural instincts are to jump in and save you, because they love you. Despite the fact that in most cases they really have no idea what to do, and are not qualified to help you on their own. After a while they become tired, frustrated, and confused when all their efforts produce very little results. They take it personally, like it is a personal failing on their part because they couldn’t “make” you happy.

If it were just a matter of sheer will power, as a person with clinical depression I would have made myself ecstatic a long time ago. I really don’t enjoy feeling suicidal for the better part of my day, or watching the person I love hurting because of me. At times I think obsessively over what it is that causes me to be this way and why I can’t be happy- do I even know what happy is?

After bearing witness to the slow and painful breakdown of my relationship with Mr. Intellectual due in large part to my depression, I find it difficult to form new relationships. I never want to go through something like that again and feeling responsible for bringing down another human being.

When I look into the future, I see myself alone. Through somewhat twisted logic I just don’t feel right asking someone to take me on, it just doesn’t seem fair. When I’m alone I can cope somewhat better. It’s easier to control my environment and I don’t have the external pressure of living up to expectations or of maintaining a relationship. Each and every relationship I try to sustain brings up this point again and again.

I really don’t have the answer on how to fix this, or what anyone should do. My solution of course, really isn’t a solution at all, but rather an avoidance of the problem all together.

Not Ready for Winter Yet!

From my brother's garden this past summer

Today was quite cold and snowy, and even though it's the beginning of December I'm just not ready to face up to another Canadian winter. In protest I went through my pictures from this past summer to remind me that winter doesn't last forever here, it just feels like it some days. You can't help but think of warm summer sun when looking at tiger lilies.

A Bad Night

He came home drunk and quarrelsome in the early hours of the morning, seething bitterness and malcontent. I was working late, my mind lethargic from a lack of sleep and slow to grasp the situation. Comprehension dawned on me too leisurely, but I quickly countered by retreated into myself as protection.

Words, sharp and barbed, penetrate yielding flesh and leave me reeling. I curl protectively around my vulnerabilities and set my mind free. It’s not enough, the damage is done and my thoughts crystallize on the hurt. I start to question what I’m doing and what I ever get out of this “relationship.” A heavy sadness descends to encompass me, and tears well up behind closed eyelids.

I hold back the feminine instinct to smooth things over, and apologize regardless of who is right or wrong. Instead I sign off and crawl defeated into bed, the covers pulled up tightly to my chin. I know it’s a desperate bid to forget what just happened, but to stay awake is to prolong the anguish.

"...because of, or in spite of."

This semester I've dealt with an unusual situation within the course I'm a graduate teaching assistant for. The long and short of it is that the sessional who is responsible for teaching the online course has essentially abandoned the course and his responsibilities towards the students. In light of this I've had to step up and take on more than my fair share of the work, considering I'm just a lowly Master's student and paid only to do the grunt work of marking assignments, midterms and the final exam.

I was called into a meeting with the chair of the department at my former University where I'm TAing the course to speak about the absent professor. After a discussion of the problem, in which I was told that this individual would essentially be blacklisted from teaching at my former institution for his lapse in duty and completely unprofessional behaviour, it was determined that I would be handling the course as best as I could on my own. I was already responding to emails, discussion board postings, requests for extensions due to medical or compassionate reasons and a host of other student related duties not officially on my work contract.

I took this on because of my students. My mother used to always have this phrase she would tell us while we were in public school and having a hard time with a teacher. I always found it to be annoying and immediately rolled my eyes when she'd tout the one out. She said that we learn because of, or in spite of certain teachers. This is an "in spite of" situation and I genuinely want to see my students learn and succeed regardless of the professor's falling down.

Over the last few day's as the course is winding down and students are gearing up for final exam's I have received a number of really touching emails from my kids, thanking me for all the work I've done for them and with them. Just when I'm reaching the end of my rope, and wondering why I'm doing all the work I am for a mere pittance compared to what they're paying this guy who's supposed to be the professor, these emails show up in my inbox. It's humbling and inspiring all at the same time, all while reminding me why I am here and doing what I'm doing.

I am here for day's like this.

Vanity Plates

I love vanity plates. I like the idea of personalizing something so impersonal as a car to reflect your style. It also makes long trips a little more fun trying to decipher some of the more complex license plates.

Back in high school I bought Mr. Intellectual vanity plates for his first car as a birthday present. It was a little hard to pick something like that for someone else since he had no concrete ideas of what he wanted as a vanity plate and I couldn’t straight out ask without giving away my gift idea. I eventually hit upon Catch 22, which was his favourite novel at the time, and still holds a special place in his heart as far as I know. It was a great surprise and I was actually impressed that it was still available for order and no one had snatched it up ages ago since it’s such a ubiquitous saying in society now. I still love that plate, and if given the chance would take it for my car in a heartbeat.

Catch 22 survived two cars in Mr. Intellectual’s life, however at last check it has been removed from the road. He got a new car a little over a year ago and the plates stayed with his last car, which his Dad drove around for a while. They have since been removed and are sitting in his room at home. For whatever reason’s he has chosen not to use them anymore. It's one of my favourite gifts that I ever gave him and it makes me a little sad to see them put away.

That being said, I was never able to come up with a vanity plate of my own that I was truly happy with as a personal reflection of my style. It wasn’t a pressing issue since I never had my own car and as such was an irrelevant concern, but it was fun to think about. I wanted a plate that reflects my passion for history, my love of education and my playful side. The idea of having “DR HISTRY” was one choice but seems a little pretentious and what happens if I don’t end up finishing my doctorate? My other plate idea was “19141918” for the years of WWI, 1914-1918, since that’s going to be my area of expertise once I’m done my education. Both are currently available as of this morning when I checked the MTO website, but I’m still unsure of having them permanently on my car.

As much as I like “DR HISTRY” I think I’ll leave it alone until I finish the doctorate and then re-evaluate my feelings on its level of pretentiousness. I think in the meantime I have hit upon a choice that I can be happy with indefinitely since it’s properly ambiguous. Recently I’ve been thinking of the Latin term “ex libris” quite a bit, which roughly translates into “from books.”

The only unfortunate part of this plate is that someone already has it, which isn’t surprising. If I want the plate I have to go for “EX LBRIS.” It’s tempting to grab it right now before it’s gone, however eventually Ontario will have to go to 9 character license plates, and when it does I can get the full ex libris since the space counts as one character.

The other thing holding me back is the price tag. At $239.35 it isn’t exactly cheap, but I do remember spending $500 on Mr. Intellectual’s plate since 8 character licenses had just come out and everyone was running to grab the vanity plates they had coveted but couldn’t quite get with only 6-7 characters. I was in high school and my overhead was almost non-existent which is far from the case these days so I’ll just have to shelve this idea until I start making more of a living wage.

The Office

I made an effort tonight to watch tv since I rarely watch anymore. I missed the show, The Office and wanted to see what was happening, not to mention I needed a laugh. I wasn't disappointed, but I did miss quite a bit since last season. It reminded me though, that I should have the DVD's on my Christmas list, including the British version since that was my first exposure to it, and still my favourite.

Dreaming of Spring

The Dying Days of NaBloPoMo

With a mere 3 days left of the NaBloPoMo challenge, I'd be remiss if I didn't say I was glad to see it ending. It has definitely been a challenge to get to the computer everyday and put something up. I found Friday's and Saturday's to be especially difficult since that's usually when I'm out with friends in the evening or over at the Jock's house.

In the beginning I laughed at the little vignette Mrs. Kennedy of Fussy, and the instigator of this whole endeavor, included within the instructions for NaBloPoMo. Something along the lines of posting every day, including taking time out of Thanksgiving dinner to update her "blob" and incuring the wrath of her mother for doing so. While I thought I'd never be the one doing that, I was sadly mistaken. Three times now I've snuck away in the middle of either a house party or a gathering of friends to find a computer and update my blog.

It's unfortunate that I wasn't aware of NaDruWriNi ahead of time, since that would have made things easier and a lot more entertaining. I always got my post's up before I got too drunk to make sense. Apparently, I was doing it all wrong. Interestingly enough this has spawned National Drunk Blogging Day.

I'm some what impressed with how long it took me before the burn out caught up and the post's became more filler and less meaningful. My one fear of the 30 day challenge is that as soon as it's over I'll take a huge break and go back to sporadic posting. I think a more realistic blogging goal is to aim for 3 to 5 good posts a week, and take the weekend off unless inspiration hits.

I seriously love the newest NaBloBoMo seal. It's so apropos.

Bump & Grind

In fall I purchased my first car- a 2000 Buick LeSabre in bronze, which is really a tan colour. I was sad to give up Betsy, my mother's sky blue 1989 Chevrolet Caprice Classic, since that was the first car I learned to drive in and spent the majority of my time on the road with. It was also a seriously pimping ride, as compared to the old man mobile I now own. However, the new car is more reliable, gas efficient and an all around nicer ride. It is a car I'm grateful to have.

This past Friday during the morning rush hour commute through town on my way out to the highway I had a minor fender bender. Some middle aged yuppie in a Jaguar rear ended me at a stop light. There's some minor paint transfer- his black on my tan - that isn't noticeable until you're told it's there. I was just annoyed that this happened in the first place because of his carelessness, however it was such a low speed impact no major repairs were needed and I'm hoping that I can buff out the paint transfer.

I take a certain amount of sick satisfaction in the fact that it was a Jag that caused the accident and he'll be paying more to fix his car than I would be. Had it been worse I would be quite upset over it all. As it stands I'm just thankful it wasn't any worse and no one was hurt.

Happy Birthday...

Due to thesis work, and marking from my course, I was unable to make it home for my niece and nephew's combined birthday party. Little Miss E turned 4 on the 20th, and Daddy's Boy turned 2 on the 28th. I haven't seen them in weeks, and I'm starting to really miss my family. My mother emailed me afterwards to tell me how it went and give me an update on the family. It makes me sad to miss out on these sorts of things, especially since the kids are growing up so quickly, and my grandparents are aging rapidly.

Happy Birthday Little Miss E & Daddy's Boy!

Miss you lots. xoxo

Gulliver's Travels

Tom Otterness, 2002 from the exhibit "Free Money and Other Fairy Tales"

I came across this a couple of months ago while searching for something completely different. I found this sculpture and the artist's style to be fascinating. If it was a little more affordable I'd probably buy something of his.

Exhaustion

I wonder at what point does the body rebel against you when you're depriving it of sleep, proper nutrition and hyping it up on caffeine to get the job done? Is it possible function and write well on only 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night for days on end?

In Honour of American Thanksgiving

In honour of American Thanksgiving I present this clipping from 1888. If you're coming up short for novel recipes to wow the family with, this should do the trick. I find it interesting that there are no baking instructions included with the sponge cake recipe, but then again it's not surprising since there was no way to consistently control temperature on a wood stove. Happy Thanksgiving America!

Old Hurts

There it is again. That ever present ache and sense of drifting through my own life. A disconnect with self that I can’t seem to explain or even begin to fix. Will this be here for the rest of my life, I wonder? Will I always be bumping into the ghost of your presence at every turn?

It’s been almost 2 1/2 years since we called it quits, and over 6 months since we last spoke. I’m still confused about what precipitated the end of it all, and hurt at how it’s been left. Knowing you didn’t value our friendship the same way that I did, and probably never did cuts me to the core. How quickly you forgot, and tossed me aside. Callous and indifferent. Was it self preservation, or disgust with me? I’ll never know.

This feeling, this hollow ache and sense of loss has become embedded in who I am now. Like a pearl nestled in the folds of a clam, irritating the soft flesh, causing it to increase in size one iridescent layer at a time. Maybe some day it won’t hurt.

Under the Gun

The sessional I'm a teaching assistant for this semester in one of my TAships is beyond incompetent. Due to his incompetence and some unforseen assholery I must now mark 60 midterms and post marks tonight. I'll probably be up until 3 am at least to get this crap done. I was never a big fan of unions and our Union in particular, however right now I'm glad I have them because some shit could hit the fan in this situation, and I may need the union to back me up.

Summer on the Farm

Throw Away Posts

I knew that the NaBloPoMo challenge was going to eventually find me dry for ideas to write about. For the past few weeks I've attempted to create posts of quality but I knew it was only a matter of time before I was left with nothing and forced to put up a throw away post. This is that day. I've got nothing, not even a picture worth posting. I think I should break down and buy Maggie Mason's book now, or find some sort of inspiration to break the writer's block for tomorrow. Here's hoping.

Gambling

For various reasons I dislike gambling. One of them is due to my religion and their stance on it, regardless of the fact that I am no longer a practicing member.

Unless you can afford to lose the money, I believe you shouldn't put money down expecting a big pay out because the house always wins. As a student, and one barely on the edge of solvency, I think that gambling for me is not a good choice. That doesn't mean I don't buy the occasional scratch ticket (Win for Life being my favourite) or the odd Lottery ticket. I buy them for entertainment, without the expectation that I'll see that money again. I don't buy them as a means of solving my financial difficulties or bank on it for retirement. I rarely if ever gamble and if I had to guess I probably do it once or twice a year, if even.

What if my partner doesn't view gambling in this light? What if they believe in it less as a form of entertainment, and more as a legitimate way of making money? Of creating financial solvency and retirement funds? I don't like pushing my views on others, but how do you create a sense of peace between two conflicting ideologies?

I'm a Tool

I had to fill in for the Professor I'm a Teaching Assistant for since he was away at a conference today. Originally I was supposed to prepare a lecture, but at the last minute he decided I should show a video instead.

I got to class early to make sure everything worked and lo and behold, the sound was too low on the projector to hear anything. I fiddled around with the machine and the small sheet of instructions taped to the box but nothing did the trick. Finally I gave up and called IT since I didn't want to have to cancel the class.

The IT guy came down mere minutes before class was supposed to begin. Apparently there were a set of knobs on the side of the box that I had overlooked, since I was looking at it head on. Not only did I look like a serious blonde air-head, I ended up looking like a tool in front of a number of my students since they had begun to filter in already. Awesome work Jane. Next time it might pay to be slightly more observant. Ugh.

Progression of a Relationship

I had this text message exchange last Friday afternoon. We've been casually seeing each other once a week when I'm in town, for dinner, coffee or to just hang out for a bit, but I wasn't sure exactly how to take him. He always seems interested and genuinely pleased to see me, but I have my nagging doubts. We always have a good time and I was disappointed when he didn't call on Wednesday or Thursday like usual to set something up.

Him: What are you up to tonight?

Jane: Dinner with friends and early to bed since (little brother) and I are heading home early tomorrow.

Him: Awe. Was hoping to see you. Should have called.

We exhanged a few more messages while he was at work. In the end I agreed to meet up for a drink on Saturday night after I had dropped off my brother at his University and on my way out to my University town. It's interesting to see how this is slowly unfolding, since it is more like a courtship without the hurried pace to get me into his bed. I like the fact that he's trying to get to know me without the complications of a physical relationship.

Freezing Love

I've come to the conclusion that without my mother's generosity I probably would have starved already. Every time I go home, which isn't often anymore, she sends along food with me when I leave. Whether it's items she knows I can't buy in my new city, or things I won't make for myself, I always leave with enough food to make me feel slightly guilty.

Lately she's been setting aside enough of whatever she makes for dinner into containers sized perfectly for one meal. She is all too aware of fact that when I'm heavily into writing or marking, like I am right now, I won't take the time to make a meal. If it can't be microwaved or prepared in 5 minutes or less, I won't eat it. This leads to some appalling dining habits, like cereal for dinner, just a cup of coffee for lunch, random snacking on junk and a profusion of PB&J sandwiches which fulfill the need for protein and good fats. Meat and vegetables become non-existant, and I know that my habits and diet makes my mother cringe. This only lasts for a few days to a few weeks at a time, depending on the work load I'm buried under.

My housemates poke fun of the fact that my mother feeds me like this. They've commented that I eat odd things, and the only time I eat a "real meal" is when I pull one of my mom's out of the freezer. Whatever, I'm just grateful that my mother understands my lifestyle and supports what I'm doing, even if it means making sure I'm eating properly as if I was still a young child of hers and not a grown woman. Everytime I open up the freezer I'm reminded of how much I'm loved, and I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.

Christmas Shopping

My mother's Christmas present came in the mail today. She's always admired my costume jewellery and it's over the top flash and size, but it's clearly been my style and not something she'd wear. She has a small collection of her own that's mostly lapel pins and a few simple necklaces. However, over the past few months she's expressed a desire to have something more elaborate. She's beginning to be more comfortable with wearing costume jewellery in general and has hinted a bit that perhaps she'd go so far as to wear the more flashy, bold and daring pieces like those in my collection.

I bought this Juliana set off eBay to match the beautiful dress she had for my brother's wedding last year. Although I liked the jewellery she picked to go with it, I believe the dress deserves something a little more fitting than the simple mass produced fashion accessories she picked up at the mall. I can't wait until Christmas morning! Now if only I could pick out that perfect gift for my father.

Something's Changed

I slowly awaken in the deep of the night to the feel of your touch on my back. I’m curled up on my side, facing the wall like I usually do, one hand tucked gently underneath my cheek. Your hand softly, gently, moves up and down my bare back, gradually changing to kneed and massage my shoulders and lower back. Your body moves closer to me as you feel me waking up and I sigh in contentment.

Later you tell me that you woke up in the middle of the night like you sometimes do. I was snoring softly, and you found the sight to be too cute. The peaceful, innocence of me in slumber, with my eyes closed, oblivious to the world made you want to reach out and touch me. You said that you wanted to watch me smile in my sleep, since unbeknownst to me I always give a small smile whenever you touch me regardless of whether or not I’m awake.

After a while I snuggle up against your body and doze off. We spoon in our sleep, and you keep a protective arm around me. This is the first night that I can remember where you want to keep me close like that in your sleep and actively seek me out. Maybe your declarations of love are more than just words, but actually carry some truth? Perhaps your joking and frequent proposals of marriage are done less to annoy me, and more in the hopes that I’ll truly say yes? It is a thought that I have never given any consideration to before now.

Vintage Costume Jewellery II

Here's another vintage costume jewellery piece from my collection. This one is made by Coro and has a matching necklace. It's an incredibly sparkly piece due to the aurora borealis finished rhinestones. I love how it throws out hundreds of little rainbows like a disco ball in direct sunlight.

I bought this set off of ebay shortly after the Juliana bracelet. It's a nice neutral coloured set which makes it pretty flexible in terms of what I can and cannot wear it with. I recently found out that it was made with a pair of earrings as well that I don't have right now. I'm going to keep my eye out on ebay to find just the earrings. Unfortunately the set I saw had red rhinestones instead of aurora ones so I didn't bid.

Remembrance Day

On the eleventh day, of the eleventh month at the eleventh hour (November 11th, at 11:00am), 2 minutes of silence is observed to pay our respects to Canada's fallen soldiers. It is a tradition that began shortly after World War I and continues on to this day in Canada as a National day of observance.

Two years ago the Royal Canadian Mint issued the world's first colourized coin. It was minted, with the permission of the Royal Canadian Legion, to honour and pay tribute to Canadian War veterans.

I came across a few in circulation that I kept and have put on my desk. It's a constant, yet subtle, reminder of our past and what I have to be thankful for everyday. As a pacifist I am accutely aware of the sacrifices others have made so that I have the luxury of never having to experienced a war, and never being conscripted to take up arms. So although today is the official day of observance, I like to remember what we went through as a country everytime I look at these coins as I go about my daily life.

Lost

What do you do when you lose the trust you had in someone? Can you ever go back, or is there always that crack in the glass, etched in your memory, gnawing away at the relationshp...

Collections & Vintage Costume Jewellery

A few years back I began a modest collection of vintage costume jewellery. It all started with a huge rhinestone cocktail ring I picked up at a garage sale for a dollar when I was 13 or 14. It didn't become a full fledged hobby until after I discovered ebay and bought my first piece, a large intaglio cameo pendant.

I blame this Juliana bracelet for turning my hobby into an obsession. I bought it last spring to go with the dress I had found for my brother's wedding, and immediately fell in love with the way it offset the simplicity of my gown. Since then I have added a number of different sets to my collection and familiarized myself with a few of the popular designers in production between 1910 and 1970. I don't see my obsession abating anytime soon.

How to Get Rid of Unwanted Things in Under 24 Hours

If you haven't heard of Freecycle, you have to check it out. We had a few things around the house that we didn't need or want anymore, so I posted them on Freecycle. Within 5 minutes our old area rug was spoken for, in another hour the table was gone. Over night someone emailed me about our barbeque. All these things will be leaving our house in under 48 hours. It's a great concept, (offer unwanted items for free to those who need/want them), and it seems to work really well. I've managed to pick up a number of boxes of books amongst other things from using the website. It's like Craigslist, only all the items are free.

Why I Want to Live Alone Again

Moving in with housemates again after two years has had its advantages and disadvantages. Despite all the little advantages, I'd prefer to live alone again. What follows is a top 10 list of reasons why I want to live alone again:

1. You open the fridge and reach back for the Britta, only to discover that whomever used it last neglected to fill it up and returned it to it's place with less water in it than can fill a shot glass.

2. Someone's boyfriend arrives unannounced for the night and then proceeds to use your clean, fresh towels like it's a hotel, without asking if it's okay, after a long day on the construction site. Said boyfriend then repeats this process almost weekly and on random days, foiling your best efforts to remove your towels before his arrival.

3. A house mate exits the shower completely soaking wet, leaving large pools of water on the floor and soaking into the bathroom carpet. You walk in with socks oblivious to this fact and leave with wet feet, a personal pet peeve. Repeat almost daily.

4. You go to use the bathroom at 1:00 am before heading to bed for the night, only to discover that some asshole used the last piece of toilet paper and left the cardboard tube in the holder. There are no fresh rolls under the sink, nor in the bathroom downstairs. There is no toilet paper in the house, a fact that no one mentioned to you when you ran out earlier in the day to grab a few things from the store. In an attempt to not be that asshole you go out to the 24 hour grocery store down the street to pick up a new package of toilet paper and a liquid handsoap refill since that's empty as well with no replacement in the house. It's just you, the fat cashier and two teenage stockboy's at 1:00 in the morning- and you're the one that looks like a freak.

5. When you go to open the freezer above the fridge you discover it's already ajar several inches. Who knows how long it has been this way? A careless configuration of frozen goods has allowed the door to be propped open. You rearrange the freezer so the door firmly closes and continue on with your day.

6. The cast iron frying pan you have carefully been seasoning to perfection for the past 4 years is cleanly washed and vigorously scrubbed until it is dull, lifeless and leached of all moisture and good things necessary to create that non-stick surface.

7. Winter is approaching and despite the heat on in the house you notice a chill in your room. You later learn that the house mate who is perpetually cold, and runs around with a blanket wrapped around her torso like a wrap dress, leaves her window open several inches, regardless of the weather. I didn't realize our utility bill was being used to heat the outdoors.

8. This graduate degree is something you are trying to treat as a real job, with 9-5 hours and consistent results. Despite your best efforts, work leaches into the late night hours of your day. Attempts to work are continually foiled by your silence being broken from a nearby house mates room who insists upon accompanying her music, often off key, with the door open and the level just slightly above acceptable for allowing you to concentrate on your academic endeavors.

9. Interpersonal drama is rife throughout the house. This is what comes of living with girls, especially if it involves the kind who's personality tends towards the high-strung. Your "business" and everyone getting involved makes for an uncomfortable environment for me, someone who doesn't want any part of the drama, let alone your drama. I don't bring my problems into the house, upsetting the fine balance of harmony and leaving tense, sullen encounters in my wake.

10. You bring an air popper into the house and share it so everyone can enjoy the benefits of air popped popcorn, which all promptly indulge in. One day, several months after moving in you discover it no longer works. Some one has broken it, either through misadventure or misuse. Either way, no one bothered to let you know about it, or apologize for the destruction of your personal property, leaving you to discover its untimely demise at your own leisure. Restitution is not forthcoming and you begin to fear for the state of your other belongings now in common use since unknown persons can be unnecessarily hard on the kitchenware.

Making Lists

I’m a consummate list maker. I make lists for the grocery store, things I need to pick up, errands to run, a list of things to accomplish during the week, a list for the readings I need to complete on any given day, things to clean up and organize, people to call or email and anything under the sun that could possibly be put into list form. I have found that the older I get the more I make these lists. Something about forgetting the minor details, and the satisfaction you get from crossing off something, that compels me to create these lists.

I found out shortly after the death of my Grandfather that this is a hereditary quirk. My Grandfather made lists for everything; a fact I only learned after my Mother and Uncle helped my Grandmother clean out some of his things from their apartment. It was also then that I found a misplaced to-do list of my Uncle’s in our truck, which he had borrowed. I was well aware of my mother’s long-standing habit, but had no idea it extended to her brother and father as well.

I was fascinated by how similar our styles of creating a list were. I had always wondered where I picked up my almost obsessive break down of my day into morning, afternoon and night sections for certain lists, and for some went so far as to chart out the approximate time it would take (ie. 10:30-11:00 – Dust & Vacuum room, etc.). My Mother and Grandfather never seemed to take it to this level, but my Uncle and I certainly do. I’ve just come to accept this as part of who I am, and what I do to stay organized and on top of things.

Below is a basic list of things to get done on a random day. Click on it to see the full version, if you’re that curious and really want to see what my handwriting looks like.

An Exercise in Self-Indulgence

Participating in the NaBloPoMo challenge has got me to thinking about blogs in general and my blogging in particular. I can’t say exactly why I started, but I believe it has much to do with the fact that I too wanted my voice to be heard amongst the masses, albeit anonymously. As I mulled over the question, I kept coming back to the issue of, so what? What is the point?

Finslippy pointed me in the direction of a post put out by Palinode who wrote a piece for the online journal Reconstruction. Within it he raises some interesting points, and brings into focus some of the things I couldn’t put into words. I recommend reading the whole thing, since he’s a great writer.

"It is my firm belief that blogs, like books of poetry or really good jokes, are useless. I mean that in the best sense of the word…The elements of blogging, as far as I'm concerned, are already junk. Our lives, our entire world, form a heap of trivia and disaster. To some degree we're stuck in the tragic position of Klee's "Angelus Novus", unable to reach back and mend the catastrophe of history. What we do have is memory and language, which, along with a high-speed connection, is all you need to reshape it, hold it up for your readers, plunge your hand in and rip out the joke. It fixes nothing, changes nothing: a completely useless task. But I can't stop doing it."

When I really think about it, I find the overall experience of blogging to be an exercise in self-indulgence. How arrogant is it to believe someone really wants to read the minutiae of my life and thoughts? Then again, I didn’t start throwing out my life to the internet to gain a readership of any kind, or recognition. I was looking for a place to process the turmoil in my life.

After parting ways with Mr. Intellectual I lost my best friend and confidant, the safe outlet to share my struggles with. I was finding the exercise of writing in a traditional pen and paper journal less and less satisfactory and aspects of the blog were appealing. The traditional scrapbooking aspects, wherein pictures, links and ephemera were incorporated with the written word, without the effort of the cut and paste tangible scrapbook, was quite alluring. A blog seemed more flexible, less restrictive, and more private than a written journal, while at the same time being painfully public despite my anonymous authorship.

While all this sounds great, it still doesn’t take away from the fact that on some level I find blogging to be self-absorbed, and even tending towards the narcissistic at times. I still have no answers as to what purpose it serves in the grand scheme of things. Much like I have no answers for the reason why I, or anyone else for that matter, exist. Do I find it completely useless? Probably not.

"Slurpified"

Since moving the the New University Town I've been able to spend a lot more time with one of my cousin's and as a result he and his girlfriend have introduced me to being "slurpified". On random nights when we need a break from studying or just feel like a treat, whomever is home piles into the car and we head on down to the local convenience store for slurpies. They're actully Frosties, but they're just as good. It's the perfect sugar-high for a late night at the computer, crunching out an essay, or marking papers. I'm partial to the Pepsi flavoured slurpie.

High School Art

Back in High School I always took art classes and loved them. What I find interesting now is that at the time I really loathed the odd class devoted solely to art history. While I found aspects of it interesting I was always eager to get back to whatever project we were working on that week. A couple of years later and I would become an Art History minor in University.

I love Art History now and try and find ways to incorporate that side of my degree into what I'm doing these days, which is straight history. I was flipping through an old sketch book from back then and found this picture. This was done as part of an exercise, I forget what the point of it was though- either to examine colour, or to create a new fantasy animal by looking at the world slightly askew. Either way, I still love it and the fact that the boy's face looks like one of the guy's in that class who briefly modeled for the drawing.

It's been months since I've picked up a pencil to sketch something, and even longer since I have put pencil crayon to paper. I know I've lost some of the art skills I learned in High School and University fine arts courses, since you have to practice to keep it up properly. Despite that I think I'd like to try sketching again on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to get out from under the mountain of textbooks and journal articles I have to read and focus on something completely different for a change of pace in between.

Academic "Love Notes"

I always get a big kick out of the little notes that my students leave for me in the margins of their exams and midterms, or the post-it notes discretely stuck to the final page of their major papers and assignments. I call these my little love notes.

Most of the time it's an apology for sloppy handwriting, not double spacing, or thanking the Professor for a great class at the end of term. Other's are explanatory notes for why the assignment is late, some minor problem they had with formatting or sticking to the word length. My favourite are of the thank-you variety. The keeners who hope to inspire feelings of good nature by kissing up so that we'll be more lenient in our marking. Most of these types of love notes are directed towards the Professor since students mistakenly believe that their Prof actually sees and marks their work.

Today I've been marking a glossary assignment, where students had to create a glossary of 30-odd terms given by the Professor on a book they're reading for class. The assignment states that it is to be no more than 6 typed pages. I found this little note tucked inside one student's assignment.

It reminded me of a note I had a couple of weeks ago on an assignment that was supposed to be no more than 4 pages. One student left this note for the Professor:

"I appologize for being 7 lines over the 4 page requirement but I simply could not justify taking out any more content without compromising the integrity of the report.
Thank-You"

I had to laugh at this one, since it's a first year course and what some would consider to be bird-course, especially if you're a hardcore History major. The Professor's response:

"Do not stress over 7 lines!" (amongst other things relavent to the assignment)

In this case the Professor was actually marking the assignment, but it's an all too rare occasion for first year courses.

NaBloPoMo

I've decided to participate in NaBloPoMo(National Blog Posting Month), an alternative to November's NaNoWriMo(National Novel Writing Month). For those not in the know, National Novel Writing Month is a program wherein the participants pledge to write 50,000 words in the month of November. The goal is to accumulate enough words to fill a novel. While I like the concept behind NaNoWriMo, I lack that drive and desire to write a novel in 30 days. I also have to finish a 100 page thesis in those 30 days so I think I'm good on that front.

Posting on a regular basis is something I've wanted to keep up with, however I've been sadly lacking on that front. This challenge gives me the push I need to see if I can post something everyday- even the weekends. They're also offering some pretty cool prizes as an incentive to keep up with the posting.

NaBloPoMo has also inspired me to figure out how to post a linking button on my sidebar. I'm a complete noob on the HTML, so it took me the better part of an hour to get it right, but I'm happy that I figured it out. Now I just need to scrounge up $20 to buy Maggie's book, to ensure I have enough fodder to last me 30 consecutive days and I think I'll be good to go.