Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Getting Back in the Game

I’m trying really hard right now to re-engage in my life. The longer I sit on the sidelines, the harder it is to start because things keep piling up and minor worries become full blown anxieties as the problem compounds. I can be a very stubborn person, which can be a negative, but in this instance it really is a benefit. Through sheer stubborn will I drag myself through each and every day so I can be a semi-functioning depressive. Every small task completed is a victory for me- from brushing my teeth after breakfast, washing my hair, to getting dressed in real clothes, putting on make-up and going to campus. Anything other than lying in bed, sleeping, staring idly at a computer screen or out my window is a success.

It’s really difficult to fight myself all the time to do things which others find so easy and mundane. It can be exhausting. I lose more than I win on most days, but it’s a start. I know my behaviour is causing damage to my Ph.d and future success here. I haven’t been completing assignments on time. I haven’t been completing all my readings or even engaging the material. I haven’t met any of the other Ph.d candidates aside from the two who are TA’s with me. I should be lining up my summer reading course, investigating what I need to do for my comprehensive examinations next fall and working on my French. At some point in the very near future I need to successfully write a French comprehension exam so that I’m certified as bilingual as part of my degree. At the moment I am so far from being bilingual that it scares me. If I let things slide any more I risk either being kicked out or having to drop out; neither of which are an acceptable choice.


Anonymous said...


I realize how long and difficult the Ph.D road can be; I myself dropped out of my program after realizing that research would never be my forte. I am glad to hear that you are trying to fight your depression, and wish you all of the best of luck in the future.

Take care of yourself,


Anonymous said...

Dear PH.Depressed,

I think I should start addressing you as Jane. Thanks for your reply to my posts. You wanted to know what field I am in. Well I am doing my Ph.D on gender studies, more particularly on poor migrant women who live in slums in a third world country.
While doing Ph.D , I was having the same problems as you have faced, like getting depressed to the point of not being able to concentrate on my studies or even performing simple tasks,like brushing my teeth. I had some conflicts with my supervisor as well.He was not really guiding me but was more interested in furthering his own career. Ultimately, I was left with nothing but to do PH.D alone, without any guidance or help from my supervisor. But I pulled through somehow and I am managing quite well.
Don't lose heart. You can do it on your own.
I just wanted to know, (if you don't mind) what is the name of your depression? I always had and I am still having similar symptoms. The place where I live and study, there is no psychiatrist and going to a psychiatrist would be amounting to'going mad' in our culture.

Take care,
Mamloo( my nickname)

Jane Canuck said...

Hi Mamloo, I think it might be easier to talk about these things if you emailed me. The comment's section isn't exactly the biggest for a proper reply. You can reach me at:

jane.canuck at hotmail dot com

The diagnosis I was given for my depression was just clinical depression. I'm really sorry that it is culturally unacceptable for you to see a psychiatrist. That makes things even harder I'm sure.

~ Jane