Sunday, February 11, 2007

Coasting & Crashing

Driving home from the grocery store this evening I was suddenly struck by the realization that I’m extremely depressed. It shouldn’t really surprise me anymore, but there it is. I’m having trouble showering and washing my hair on a regular basis, finding any kind of energy or motivation to do my schoolwork, and I’m especially finding it hard to care about things in general. I’ve also started trying to anesthetize myself with food. I indulge my every craving and whim- from chocolate bars to chips, fast food and cookies. I eat when I’m not even hungry, because at least when I feel full I’m feeling something else for a change besides numb.

I’m also extremely agitated mentally. I’m restless and unable to settle my mind into any kind of coherent, logical train of thought. Bits and pieces of future and present projects march endlessly through my brain. Ideas on how to expand my MA thesis into a publishable work; Edward Bernays and the rise of marketing in a Canadian context; the Farmerettes of WWI; changing my Ph.d thesis, various trains of thought on my family history on both sides. I’m starting to feel like the tighter I try to hold on the farther away it gets from me.

I don’t want to start messing around with my medication, but obviously things really aren’t functioning as they should. One of the major problems is that I don’t have a doctor at the new university. I don’t know how the health services work here and I’m loath to start discussing the PTSD, depression and anxiety with yet another doctor. I seriously need to get myself together before I crash and burn. I already feel like this doctorate is spiraling out of control. I am absolutely coasting through my classes, doing the absolute bare minimum of the readings or not doing them at all. It’s pathetic really.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Hang in there Jane. I hope things come around.