Talking Without Words

I don’t remember what precipitated this moment or how we ended up embraced together on the couch equally sharing in the nightmare that was my depression at that point. However, it is a night that I will never forget and was never replicated for some reason. For that one night he did everything right and I was comforted. A rare and precious gift to the deeply depressed.

I was overcome with the kind of despair and sadness where words failed me. But instead of trying to draw me out of my shell and explain what was going on in my head he just gathered me up in his arms without a word. We lay on the couch together with my head nestled under his chin and my ear pressed into his chest, listening to the slow and steady beating of his heart. And I cried. While he held me silently, I cried and cried out my pain until it wasn’t just mine, but ours.

As the minutes slowly passed in silence, only broken by the crackle of the fire and the sound of his heartbeat in my ear, I found peace. While I cried, he said nothing but held me tightly, one hand softly running up and down my back, caressing my skin and soothing me. We stayed like that long after my tears had subsided and long after the fire had died down. We lay silently in the dark together and somehow without a single word passing between us, we came to an understanding and a resolution. Somewhere in that shared experience I found the strength to go on.

I knew that everything was going to be ok and you could handle it. Your actions told me that for the first time and I will always be thankful for that evening we spent together. Even now, long after we’ve gone our separate ways I remember that night when I am alone and struggling. I know that on some level you will always be by my side in the darkness and for that I love you.