Self Esteem

I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror. I stare deeply into the dark green eyes looking back at me from the girl in the mirror. I marvel at the shape of her full lips and the curve of her neck as it meets the jaw line. The tousle of blonde hair fresh from bed elicits a small grin and for that moment, alone in the silence of the early morning I believe I am beautiful. In that moment as I look myself in the eyes I know I am a smart, capable young woman who is every bit as beautiful and accomplished as any other woman.

Reality, or unreality, sets in as soon as I walk out the door and I am flooded with a sense of shame when I see the other women I thought I could compete with. All appearances of confidence melt away as each passing woman is sized up and I am found lacking- they’re thinner, better hair, better skin, perfect make up and more ‘put together’ clothes. It doesn’t matter that in the darkest recesses of my unconscious mind I know I am just as gorgeous and probably smarter than these women, but my self-esteem can’t compete with the constant loop of negative chatter in my head. It is like this all the time.

This is what bothered me the most in my previous conversation with Mr. Intellectual. She is better than me. I was never able to measure up, no matter how selfless I was, no matter how generous I was with my time, with my heart, with a million little things I did for him. In the end, I just wasn’t good enough. I felt it in the relationship and now that he’s found someone else I am reminded of it almost every time we speak. She’s thinner, more sexually adventurous, happier, smarter, and more worldly. The list goes on and on. However, the most telling thing for me is his behaviour towards her. More specifically the things he would do for her and has done for her that in six years together he couldn’t or wouldn’t do for me. Actions speak louder than words and in a couple of days he will be flying a continent away to spend over a month with her in Europe. He couldn’t even find the time for almost two years to come visit me just over an hour away at my University.