Candidate #1

I had a date last night with someone from the online dating thing I signed up for. We met for coffee at the local Starbucks. Candidate #1 is a 34-year old, former IT guy who now owns his own business, has never been married and has no children.

My students write an exam tonight and my own deadlines are breathing down my neck so there will be more details to follow when I get a minute.

Yogic Achievements

Today in Yoga I was able to touch my head to my knees- a pretty impressive feat if you ask me. Mind you it wasn't a comfortable stretch/pose, but that will take a little more time to achieve. I'm enjoying the yoga more than I thought I would, and I'm constantly amazed at how flexible I am and how much I'm improving in that area. The only downside is that in 6 weeks my study will end and if I want to continue doing yoga I'm going to have to find a studio. I've been looking around and it's pretty expensive on a students budget. I'll have to really think about whether or not this is something I want to pursue in the future given the high fees.

Small Town Success

The pinnacle of achievement in my hometown seems to be marrying young and settling down to connubial bliss. It’s the same in every small town on the North American continent. I had a hard time in high school, and really disliked a lot of the people I was forced to see on a regular basis. I never fit in anywhere in particular and had a small set of friends. My main goal was get out of town as fast as I could and academics were the perfect conduit. By maintaining high grades I guaranteed myself a spot in a University away from the hometown, and perhaps some scholarships or bursaries to help me out. I was pretty serious about my education and focused on getting the marks. In the end I graduated with a 93% average, was accepted into every university I applied to and netted some scholarships upon graduation. When I left that September in 2000 I was ecstatic and so excited to start fresh in a place where no one knew me and where I could be who I wanted to be and do anything I desired. I never really looked back.

Not too long ago I joined Facebook, and started looking back. Almost all my roommates were on it, as well as a lot of my friends and a few of my siblings and cousin’s. I joined out of sheer curiousity and boredom. Facebook really is the perfect place to spy on old housemates, classmates, friends you don’t talk to anymore and anyone else you feel like. I have mixed feelings about this “social networking site”. While it provides some good laughs between my close friends and I, it has also confronted me full on with the same people I’ve avoided since graduation 7 years ago. Discovering who’s married, who’s dating whom, who’s engaged or having/had a baby is disconcerting to say the least.

The downside of all this is that I have started torturing myself with this information. It doesn’t help that I know I would be married now had Mr. Intellectual and I stayed together. We had plans to get engaged during our Master’s and married shortly after the completion of our respective degrees. Instead I chose to pursue a Doctorate and a partner that would help create an awesome marriage, and not just an ok marriage. I didn’t want to settle for decent, I wanted extraordinary. So here I am three years later, alone and embarking on my Ph.d. He’s chasing that white picket-fence dream with some other girl and they’ve been together for almost 2 years now.

Intellectually I know how utterly ridiculous this is, but I feel like a failure. Like I’ve dropped the proverbial brass ring. I never cared about getting married and settling down immediately. Those small town objectives were never part of my persona or priorities. I was quite content to be on my own and if need be spend my life alone- I love what I’m doing, I have some great friends and my family is more than I could have ever asked for. While marriage and kids are a desire, I would still feel complete and blessed without them. I think it would be awesome to be “that Aunt”. The one who spoils her nieces and nephews and adopts them as her own, taking them on trips, indulging them on special occasions and when ever I feel like it, just because I can.

From the outside all these old classmates seem happy and stable with their lives. Who knows if that’s the truth or just the public façade. Some of the pairings seem odd, and I have to wonder if the fear of being alone has forced some of their hands into an early marriage with whatever was available in the home town, instead of waiting. The girls who became baby-momma’s, while smiling and beautiful with their dimple-faced angels, give me a moment of pause. Children are a blessing, but their unexpected arrival and the complications that creates cannot be easy. As deeply sad as it makes me to look back and see what I don’t have, I know I am infinitely better off where I am. I’m following my dreams and passion’s with my doctorate. I’m unencumbered and free to do as I please and be as selfish as I have to be to get to where I want to be in the next few years. As much as I desire someone to share my journey with I understand the value of my freedom.

One of Vladimir Lenin’s famous quotes comes to mind:

“Liberty is precious; so precious that it must be rationed carefully.”

It is easy to take it for granted when you have lots, but for those who don’t have as many freedoms it becomes so important. The irony is that in my final year of high school, in the graduation yearbook, I used that quote in my profile. I also said that my future plans were to become a Doctor, and on some level I knew that what I was embarking on would be the path less traveled. Its also good to remind myself to take advantage of my liberty now and enjoy it to the fullest since soon enough I will have a lot less of it when mortgages, family, career worries and real life comes marching in.

So while I may have failed the litmus test of my small town, and I let it bring me down, in the end I wouldn’t change a thing with my life. I just need to keep looking forward.

Online Dating- Take 3

There's nothing quite as depressing as being rebuffed by a guy on an online dating site. It's awesome!

Jane on Relationships & Sex

Over the last few years since Mr. Intellectual and I went our separate ways I’ve dated quite a few men, and started up semi-serious relationships with a few. Over time I’ve noticed some interesting things about myself when dating or in a relationship:

• If I split the cheque on the first date or pay for everything on the first date, there is no second date. I hate having obligations towards people I’d rather not spend time with, even if it’s something this subtle. So if I'm paying, it's not going well. Exceptions are for the rare first dates I initiate and expect to pay for, like drinks etc.

• If I don’t want to kiss you after the first date, there will be no second date.

• If I can’t look my partner in the eyes during sex and hold his gaze, the relationship is not for keeps and will only last a few months. To date, the only man I could have sex with and look at during the act was Mr. Intellectual.
  

• If I can hold your gaze I prefer missionary or woman on top. Doggie style is the position of choice for every one else.

• If I stop giving blow jobs and make a concerted effort to avoid going down on you, the relationship is over and I will leave shortly after realizing the change.

• I won’t tell my siblings or parents about a person I’m dating, even if it’s for a few months, if I don’t think they’re worth the trouble. This type of relationship is relatively short lived and inconsequential.

I’m in a rut, so I have once again signed up for lavalife in the absurd hopes of finding someone compatible. This time I’m approaching it a little differently in order to not waste as much time. I’m actually going to put out some of my own cold hard cash for credits, post a picture of myself on my profile and not just in the back stage and I'll be a little more selective in who I’ll agree to meet with. This is the third time I’ll have tried using an online dating service since breaking off my relationship with Mr. Intellectual 3 years ago. To date I have never had more than a lot of first dates and only a couple of second dates from online men. The exception is the Jock, who was a “friends with benefits” turned relationship disaster.

Does 26 = Old Maid?

I'm still here, still depressed and still struggling to keep my head above water academically. I don't know what to write about these days without sounding like a broken record.

For the last week and a bit I've been having almost nightly dreams of Mr. Intellectual, which is a bit odd. I think I just miss being in a relationship with someone I love and who understands me. I'm frustrated and becoming increasingly sad over my current relationship status. I think it has to do with the fact that my 26th birthday is around the corner and in cliched girl fashion I'm fretting over the possability of a lifetime of spinsterhood.

Rose of Sharon Progress

Mirabilia, Rose of Sharon

Last year I posted a picture of the progress I had made on a cross-stitch piece I was working on. Here's what it looks like now. As of last Spring I really hadn't touched this. I don't think it even left my cross-stitch bag for over 6 months. I was too depressed to take any interest in my hobbies, and the weight of me thesis lay pretty heavily on me. After my thesis defence I dug this out again, and slowly started to work on it. I come back to it for a few hours at a time when the mood strikes and can find it very therapeutic.

If You Think Writing Exams Are Bad- Try Marking Them

I'm marking midterms this week. One of the essay questions my students have is on the German invasion of Russia during WWII. I was sitting outside on the back deck, enjoying the sunshine and warm weather while I marked, since marking isn't the most enjoyable past time. Late in the afternoon I came across a student who's answer made me laugh out loud. The essay was decent, but buried in a fairly serious and straightforward answer was the following bit which I've copied verbatim.

"Ultimately, the Nazi's were too far away from home if you will, and it was impossible to continue through the harsh temperature. The Soviets successfully dodged a bullet (or several!) by abandoning and retreating as the invasion progressed. In essence, the Fuhrer rolled the dice, and fortunately for humankind, he crapped out."

I've started a little collection of quirky and downright wrong, but hilarious answers. I've even scanned some of them since they're too unbelievable to be true without the proof- like academic urban legends. I ended up giving this student a 7/10 for his answer, mostly because he broke the monotony.

Odd Things

I was checking through my StatCounter this evening since I haven't looked in over a month to see what was going on. One person stumbled upon my blog after google searching for "bmw ph.d pretty impressive too."

Whatever it was they were looking for, I doubt they found it here, but it did make me laugh.

The "Drool Study" Begins

I signed myself up for a University study on the affects of exercise for those with depression a couple of weeks ago. After too many interviews and assessments to determine if my depression fits the criteria for what they are looking for, I finally started my sessions. This was the first week where I began my stretching group exercises, which are essentially a yoga and pilates routine with a small guided meditation at the end. I go three times a week for an hour at a time. For the most part there are usually only 3 people in the “lab” at a time- myself, another participant and the girl running the session. It’s a bit awkward at first since we both know why we are there and I’m guessing that like myself it’s not something they’re openly acknowledging to people.

This study has become known affectionately as the “drool study” in my house. The girls I live with know I joined up for a University led study involving exercise, however, they don’t know it’s for depression. One of the components of the study is that at various times during the 12-week intervention I’m required to submit saliva samples from 3 different times in an assigned day. This means that I drool, or spit, into a test tube through a straw. My samples are then frozen at home and brought in to my next session. The purpose of this is to test the levels of cortisol change in a predictable way throughout the day. Cortisol is the hormone produced in response to stress. Since I live with a bunch of Science major’s they have just assumed that the study is examining the affects of exercise on stress, which essentially is one of the aspects of it. The drool aspect has caused quite a lot of hilarity in the house, as well as curiousity. So much so that the girls wanted to take a peek at my frozen vials of saliva and where I was storing them in our freezer.

I can’t say that I feel any affects as yet, aside from a few sore muscles and my carpal tunnel wrist being aggravated. I find aspects of it calming and I do have hope that even this mild exercise will do something for me. At the very least the sun has been out more and the warmer weather has finally arrived. I’m still extraordinarily unmotivated, apathetic and I have had some really bad days in the last little while. Almost crying in seminar for no apparent reason is not a good thing.

Round Up

I took last week off from pretty much everything in my life- school, the blog, man issues, and worrying about the future. It was our Spring Break here at the New Uni, so I went back to my parents place to enjoy some peace and quiet on the Farm. I spent some quality time with my family, although I didn't get a chance to see the niece and nephew which was a bit of a disappointment.

I did however get to see my 92 year old Grandmother. I've been feeling really guilty for not seeing her in quite some time. This was brought home to me all the more strongly when she said that it was good I had come, she was forgetting what I looked like. I wasn't feeling all that up to the visit, but I'm glad I went. I know our time together is short, so every time I get to see her is special now. It was a good visit because I was able to get a few more pieces of information on our family history from my mother's side. The things my Oma has seen and done in her life time are extraordinary and makes me feel all the more blessed for living in a country like Canada.

I spent Saturday on a spontaneous road trip with my brother the World Traveller, his best friend and his best friends wife. We went looking for motorcycle equipment. Not that I have a bike, or a significant other with a bike, but it was a good chance to see my brother and something outside of school. The World Travellor and his best friend just traded in their sport bikes and bought BMW Tour bikes for their next great adventure. They're as excited as kids in a candy store and I'm happy for them. It's nice to see someone living their dreams and dreaming big. Plus, seeing the BMW showroom in Toronto was impressive, I'm not going to lie.

This week I had a psych evaluation to see if I qualified for the exercise and depression study I had signed up for. I just got word this morning that I'm in and I've been assigned to the stretching exercise group. As much as I would have liked to be in the cardio group, this is probably a better idea for me. I'm already pretty flexible and if this is a yoga/pilates type of program with meditation I will be able to do this on my own after the 12 weeks are done. I think learning a new way to deal with the stressors in my life is essential since I haven't been doing all that well lately.

After the psych consult I was asked if I would be interested in participating in other studies. The person administering the evaluation said that I was a perfect candidate for their work with depression and MRI's. I gave them my number and told them to let me know if they needed me. It sounds intriguing and I'm up for anything to help me at this point. I've had chronic depression for more years than I care to count and am willing to try just about anything at this point to help me out.

Getting Back in the Game

I’m trying really hard right now to re-engage in my life. The longer I sit on the sidelines, the harder it is to start because things keep piling up and minor worries become full blown anxieties as the problem compounds. I can be a very stubborn person, which can be a negative, but in this instance it really is a benefit. Through sheer stubborn will I drag myself through each and every day so I can be a semi-functioning depressive. Every small task completed is a victory for me- from brushing my teeth after breakfast, washing my hair, to getting dressed in real clothes, putting on make-up and going to campus. Anything other than lying in bed, sleeping, staring idly at a computer screen or out my window is a success.

It’s really difficult to fight myself all the time to do things which others find so easy and mundane. It can be exhausting. I lose more than I win on most days, but it’s a start. I know my behaviour is causing damage to my Ph.d and future success here. I haven’t been completing assignments on time. I haven’t been completing all my readings or even engaging the material. I haven’t met any of the other Ph.d candidates aside from the two who are TA’s with me. I should be lining up my summer reading course, investigating what I need to do for my comprehensive examinations next fall and working on my French. At some point in the very near future I need to successfully write a French comprehension exam so that I’m certified as bilingual as part of my degree. At the moment I am so far from being bilingual that it scares me. If I let things slide any more I risk either being kicked out or having to drop out; neither of which are an acceptable choice.

Jokes on Me

We don't have cable at the house here in my Uni town. We make due with the hand full of channels we can get on regular old-school television. I checked during the week to see if we got the Oscar's on one of our channels and I could have sworn we did. I come to find out tonight when I sat down to watch the pre-show that we don't get one of the channels televising the Oscar's! So, my plans of a quiet evening, curled up on the couch, critiquing the fabulous and not so fabulous gowns, have been thrown for a loop. I love watching the big categories and seeing if they match up with my expectations or not.

Plan B is to finally watch Babel. I tried to watch all the movies up for best picture. After watching Babel the only one I missed was Letters from Iwo Jima, which I will watch shortly. There's only so many hours in a day and I think I watch way too many movies and documentaries as it is.

A Start

Someone on campus is doing a study on depression and exercise and I've signed up to participate. I have a meeting tomorrow with the person running the study to make sure I qualify and to give me more information on the project. If I make the cut I'll be put into one of two groups. The first group will do yoga/stretching for an hour, three times a week, while the second group will do cardio (cycling, rowing machine, treadmill) for an hour, three times a week for the duration of the study.

I'm hoping that this will help, or at the very least begin to pull me out of this. The next step is to ramp up my medication or try a new combination, which ever is more effective.

Coasting & Crashing

Driving home from the grocery store this evening I was suddenly struck by the realization that I’m extremely depressed. It shouldn’t really surprise me anymore, but there it is. I’m having trouble showering and washing my hair on a regular basis, finding any kind of energy or motivation to do my schoolwork, and I’m especially finding it hard to care about things in general. I’ve also started trying to anesthetize myself with food. I indulge my every craving and whim- from chocolate bars to chips, fast food and cookies. I eat when I’m not even hungry, because at least when I feel full I’m feeling something else for a change besides numb.

I’m also extremely agitated mentally. I’m restless and unable to settle my mind into any kind of coherent, logical train of thought. Bits and pieces of future and present projects march endlessly through my brain. Ideas on how to expand my MA thesis into a publishable work; Edward Bernays and the rise of marketing in a Canadian context; the Farmerettes of WWI; changing my Ph.d thesis, various trains of thought on my family history on both sides. I’m starting to feel like the tighter I try to hold on the farther away it gets from me.

I don’t want to start messing around with my medication, but obviously things really aren’t functioning as they should. One of the major problems is that I don’t have a doctor at the new university. I don’t know how the health services work here and I’m loath to start discussing the PTSD, depression and anxiety with yet another doctor. I seriously need to get myself together before I crash and burn. I already feel like this doctorate is spiraling out of control. I am absolutely coasting through my classes, doing the absolute bare minimum of the readings or not doing them at all. It’s pathetic really.

Congratulatory Surprises

Last week I spent a gruelling 48 hour period completing the final edits to my Master's thesis, getting 8 copies printed by Business Depot, and running around the old campus signing paperwork and taking care of all manner of administrative details. I'm convinced it's harder to graduate than it is to get in to University. First, you pay to apply, then you pay to stay in and to add insult to injury you have to pay to graduate and get out of the place. I think all told, between graduation fees, book binding fees and copying fees amongst other things I spent upwards of $400. However, it is all done and over with. All I have to wait for now is my Convocation in June and the return of my thesis from the printer's which should be in the next two weeks or so.

It was after midnight when I finally rolled in the door that night and I was exhausted. I was greeted by the above sight in my room. One of my house mates had left me a card and the balloons to congratulate me on finishing my Master's. It was an incredibly sweet gesture, especially since I just met everyone here in September. Inside the card was the following message:

You Deserve A Big Gold Star!

Congratulations!! You're done!!

2.5 years...'there is no telling how many miles
you will have to run while chasing a dream'
Congrats, now get some rest!!
~ house mate

I guess they were more aware of my late hours than I originally thought. I was always the last one in bed, long after everyone had gone to sleep, and always the first one up in the morning. I'm trying to adjust to a more normal sleeping schedule and a balanced work schedule. Hopefully I can get a handle on that soon or I'm really going to be burned out. The Ph.d is now officially underway and I'm hoping I can get through this in 4 years or less. I don't want to be over 30 and still in school because even I can't handle that much school.

Thinking About Life

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm especially tired of being alone while seeing someone.

It's Official

It's official- I am a Master of the Arts. My defense on Friday afternoon went as smoothly as these things possibly can. I was still relatively blase about the whole process and tired of my subject, but I suppose that is somewhat normal after working on the same thing for over 2 years.

My best friend since elementary school showed up to watch. She was the only spectator in the room and I'm grateful that she did decided to come despite some bad weather. It was nice to have someone else there besides the 3 Professor's who were examining me.

I was asked the next day how it felt. To be honest it just feels like another day and nothing much has changed. Perhaps that is because it is so anti-climatic after such a huge push and so much effort. Or maybe I won't really process it and feel the difference until the day I graduate and receive my degree parchment. Another big reason why it is just another day for me is because there is no break between MA work and Ph.D work. I have to spend some significant time in the library in the next few days to finish up a big project for a class, prepare a presentation for the same class this week, complete all the readings for this coming week and finish the edits for my MA so I can hand in the final, clean copy on Monday afternoon to the old university. I also have a 30 page paper to finish researching and write up which was from a course I took last semester. The pressure really isn't letting up and I'm not so sure how that makes me feel about the course I've set myself on.

I received the above pictured flowers from the Jock to congratulate me on finishing my MA. That is a whole other story right there.

An Incomprehensible Loss

There are times in a person's life when words fail. Now is one of those times. A very good family friend and a man I consider as a brother has experienced a heartbreaking loss this week. He and his wife were expecting their first child this coming May. Late last week she went into early labour, and despite the best efforts of the Doctors they were only able to stop her premature labour for a few days.

On Monday morning she gave birth to a tiny baby girl. Their little angel weighed in at barely a pound and a half at 23.5 weeks. She was born alive, but once the umbilical cord was cut she didn't make it. A private funeral is being held tomorrow followed by interment. This is a loss I just can't make sense of.

I can't even begin to understand what the family is going through, let alone his wife who returned home Monday afternoon, without her baby. They are a young couple, only a year or two older than myself, and were so excited to be starting their family. I sit here in tears for them, but I know my grief is nothing compared to their own. Tomorrow while I'm defending my Master's thesis they will be burying their tiny baby. Life just does not make sense to me right now.

Life Moves Forward

From a Recent Ice Storm

The date for my thesis defense is January 26th from 1:30-3:30. I know I should be nervous but I'm not really. I just want this last step over and done with so I can move on with my life.