"Broken Humpty Dumpty", 1990, Tom OtternessHumpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
I’m really not sure what to think anymore. After doing some research online I’ve come to the conclusion that I most likely have comorbid depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. I had never seriously considered PTSD prior to looking up the symptoms but it makes sense since my condition has become worse after A. triggered feelings of re-victimization. I’ve also started back at work which is filled with triggers from the stalking, and my levels of anxiety and panic are the highest I have ever experienced in my life.
I’m only 25 years old and yet I feel so broken I don’t even know where to start to put myself back together. I cycle through periods of intense anger at the individual who affected my life so much and depression for not being able to find retribution or put it behind me. I think about it all the time and I’m constantly on edge. Sleep doesn’t even provide a respite from the agitation as nightmares and an inability to reach a deep sleep ruin even that.
What bothers me the most is my loss of trust not only in other people, but especially with men. I’ve become so jaded and cynical that the idea of a relationship has become less than palatable at the moment. Plus, I wouldn’t wish myself on any man right now- it would be less than fair to him. I feel like poor Humpty these days and wonder if I’ll have greater success than he did at putting the pieces back together.
3 comments:
hey girl deepest sympathies for your condition. I went out for a hamburger one night in spain and came home wi ptsd,and then to rub salt in the wounds after coming to grips with having been held hostage(at gunpoint for an hour and terrorised)i went out a week later and got assaulted by the cops. It has been a nightmare since'97 and i totally relate to the humpty dumpty feeling. It has totally anchored me in misery and has flared at the most inopportune times ruining working and love relationships. the hyper vigilance was a killer.my g/f was a gambler and wanted help wi her problem and asked me ,mr hypervigilant to invigilate her spending and it sent me nuts. hyper vigilance,hyperanalysis and the likes compounds the feelings so closely mirroring 'paranoia' but not paranoia. I went into hospital to get away from the trigger(her) and have been blamed for the relationship breakdown ever since . even tho it was her behaviour and gambling which was triggering me.. felt like i had stepped thru the looking glass wi lucretia de borgia meets charles manson. felt like i was being sedated/drugged and found a pill in her possession which looked to all intents and purposes like rohypnol which she denies. she claims i hallucinated conversations and denied anything i heard saying i must of hallucinated. how do you trust when what you hear wi your own ears like "you can't come in les is here" and the like are dismissed as hallucinations. i feel like a character from the classics, prometheus, in a never ending search for truth and justice. My working career is over (am only 39) and i cannot work in my profession (chef) way to much stress. I have started at uni and the best thing for me has been socialising and mixing with others rather than hyper analysing things that have no answer. the focus on other things really has helped me to de-escalate and not get too bogged down in my own sense of injustice though it continues without any opportunity for redress. When i had problems at work following an attempted break in at my house my employers aware of my pre-existing condition chose to exacerbate the conditions to get rid of me for economic reasons even though my difficulty was mainly with the work-stress and working wi a work related injury. No justice for the victims. I hope you are more fortunate than i was/am and i hope that informing you of the benefits of finding something else to occupy your time are useful. good luck. Leslie deane
Hi Leslie- thank-you so much for telling me your story. I have a tendency to downplay things and this is no exception, but hearing what you went through and continue to go through is really eye-opening.
I looked into an intensive in-treatment therapy program in my area from one of the best mental institutions in the province, however it's a 6-8 week program and it scares me. Plus, I'm not sure I even qualify.
Eitherway, I'm grateful that you took the time to drop me a line. This is something I'm having trouble coming to grips with and it helps to know I'm not the only one outside of combat veterans struggling with PTSD.
Hi,Jane.
Hope that you are better.I read your blog, cause I wrote in Google the name of sbdy( Leslie Deane)I met once.He wrote to you last year,about him being robbed.I was his girlfriend in that moment,and I can assure you that from that moment he changed.He was living in Spain, and he even moved away, from Spain and from me.That was 10 years ago, and I still cannot forget him.
I don´t know wether you have sbdy by your side, that supports you.I hope so.I tried to help him, but obviously I did not do enough.I would like to know wether you feel ok now.It is really curious the way I have known from you.Take care.
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