Pursuer vs. Pursued

There are no more flirty emails. There are no more responses to caring text messages. There are fewer and fewer replies to the emails I send daily. There are no more phone conversations that last well into the night. I’m beginning to feel like I’m an out of sight out of mind girlfriend. I feel like I’m pursuing a reluctant partner and the more I try and connect the more he disconnects from the relationship. The worst came this past weekend when I asked if he wanted to go back to his place to have sex and he rejected me out right without explaining anything, just saying he was pretty tired.

I’m guessing my reaction to his answer was pretty apparent on my face because he asked if I was angry. Of course I had to say no and fake a smile to reassure him, but I said goodnight pretty quickly and walked away before the utter rejection and hurt got the better of me. Rejection in any form is a difficult thing to handle, but being rejected for sex is a hard one for me. As I drove home flashbacks of begging Mr. Intellectual to the point of tears for him to make love to me played in my mind. The confusion, depression and feelings of being ugly and undesirable during those times all seared to the front of my conscious again, overwhelming me.

I see A. once or twice a week if I’m lucky because of the long distance. Our relationship is too new to be experiencing this. I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore if I’m going to be rejected on a regular basis and ignored. I don’t need this. It is exactly why I’m afraid to love. Exactly what makes me think there is something about me that inspires this type of reaction and behaviour. I don’t need to feel like crap because you are incapable of giving me what I need. I need to know that you desire me, miss me, and want to spend time with me. You need to pursue me and stop making me feel like I’m the one unsuccessfully pursuing you and you’re just being nice by agreeing to the things I ask for because it’s easier than telling me to get lost.