A Moment of Depravity

Not long after I wrote this post, I decided it was time to get out there again and date. So, I posted a profile online and started talking to a number of nice young men. A couple of day’s later I got an instant message on one of the dating websites from The Jock. It was an interesting conversation but a little too heavily laced with sexual innuendo and a generally sexualized discussion. While I’m not a prude that’s usually the type of conversation I’ll indulge in every once in a while since human nature intrigues me, but it automatically garners you a spot on my “never to date” list, and I’ll rarely converse with this person again. If you have a one-track mind and aren’t afraid to show it immediately that’s not the kind of person I want to build a future with.

To this day I have no idea why I allowed it to go as far as it did, but in hindsight I believe the emotions I was feeling from the Anesthetize post were still very strong in my subconscious. It also appears that it’s that time of year again for me wherein I need to find a boy toy to use, abuse and then loose if I’m not in a committed relationship. However I’m wary of the “Friends with Benefits” relationship since last time I tried that I ended up with an emotionally unstable and delusional man who was unable to accept the arrangement and would not leave me alone when I tried to back out of it and disappear. The repercussions of that whole situation are still alive and well today and affecting my life.

During that conversation The Jock asked about pictures and after I was assured that he wouldn’t be sending me naked photos with below the waist shots, we exchanged headshot styled, normal photos. He turned out to be kind of cute in that curly-haired, boyish grin, preppy-dressing, slightly overweight Jock look. That’s not my usual attraction, but he wasn’t an absolute turn off. In a round about way it came out that he had a webcam and wasn’t adverse to showing me the full monty- after all, he said, “A cock is just a cock, not a huge deal.” I quickly declined the offer, embarrassed that this is the turn the conversation had taken, but we continued to talk about other things and now my curiousity was piqued.

It was getting late, curiousity got the better of me, and next thing I knew he had started a webcam chat with me. There he was across the city, unabashedly naked, and unmistakably aroused. In a moment of true depravity I didn’t click off, but sat there in a mixture of stunned abhorrence and fascination. I was just thankful that I had never purchased a webcam and wasn’t expected to reciprocate since there was no way I could have crossed that threshold. As loath as I am to admit it, I watched as this man jerked off to climax for me. To this day, I don’t know what possessed me to not only watch, but to continue talking to him.

A week later I had agreed to meet up with him for drinks, after much cajoling and discussion. I didn’t want to but he knew how to annoy, infuriate, get under my skin and in general push all my buttons until I gave in. For all his exhibitionist tendencies and overtly sexualized behaviour, there was something more to him that peeked out every once in a while- something sweet, and a little mournful. It was this imperfectly hidden person that I wanted to discover.