Quiet Desperation

My mind flutters to a start, but I keep my eyes closed, willing myself to remain in that state of oblivion that only sleep can bring. It’s still dark out and the street is quiet. What should be a peaceful time of day is anything but in my mind. While my unconscious brain struggles to wake up an unbidden tear slides from underneath my tightly closed eyes. The tears come before I can even wake up, as if I had already been crying in my sleep.

The thought floats wispily around my increasingly alert mind.

“The only way to stop this is to break your promise…”

Now that I no longer even speak to Mr. Intellectual that promise seems redundant and worthless. Why keep holding on when the person binding you to it has bowed out completely?

I roll over into a fetal position, the covers pulled tightly up to my head, and my internal monologue begins to compose the final note. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain to him the reasons for breaking our promise, when he never explained why he walked away from me completely. When he chose to disappear the promise become irrelevant.

I don’t blame him for his choices, but I am disappointed and part of me aches deeply for the loss of his friendship, which is why I silently continue composing the mental apology for not living up to his expectations. As the sun gently breaks through the cracks in the blinds I carry on creating the suicide note I will never put to paper.