Depression and Maintaining a Relationship

I know that when I’m in the midst of a bout of depression I have difficulty maintaining relationships of any kind whether it is with friends, family or a significant other. In the end, as difficult as this is to admit it was my depression that effectively ended my marriage-bound relationship with Mr. Intellectual. It was like getting a divorce after that many years together and the division of property and emotions that resulted from our dissolution of the relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I still have lingering questions and wonder what I could have done differently to stop it from happening. In the end after he moved into the same University town as I was in and begun dealing with me and my depression on a daily basis it quickly became too much for him. The realization of this hit me like a cold hard slap and I slumped into a deeper depression for the next few months while I tried to wrap my head around that knowledge. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.

After a few months of struggling through an increasingly worsening relationship I ended it with him. That night is like a blur in my head and still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it today. The memory is still too painful and raw to write about yet. I couldn’t be with a man who resented my depression and had a look of resignation in his eyes when he looked at me- not love. I wanted to set him free to find someone who could show him a full and healthy relationship, free of the torments of chronic depression. I wanted him to be happy and I knew that wouldn’t happen with me. So, as much as I loved him I let him go. I think he’s happy with his new girl, but I guess I’ll never really know what happens between the two of them since outward appearances can be so deceiving.

The end result is that I’m afraid to start up a relationship with someone new. I’m afraid of their reaction towards my depression when it finally emerges and the possibility that they too will feel deceived- that the depression wasn’t part of the initial deal and they will not want to take that on. I don’t ever again want to look into the eyes of a man I love only to see rejection where love once was.

Knowing all this, it was with trepidation that I accepted an invitation for drinks on Friday with a man whom I’ve hung out with casually for a while now. We get along really well, but I have that nagging doubt that this too won’t work out when reality makes its appearance. He’s kind, sympathetic and clearly wants to be with me, so much so that he’s actually driven almost 100 miles just so that we could have lunch together before driving all the way back home in time for work. He has put himself out for me already and is looking to move our friendship to the next level. I feel like at this point I’m stable and secure enough with myself and being on my own that I can enter into a relationship without looking for the other person to make me happy, but I’m wondering about the wisdom of this? Have I put Mr. I. and what we shared behind me enough that it won’t interfere with something new? More importantly though, is it really fair for me to ask a man to take me on knowing that even though today might be a good day, the depression is definitely going to be back no matter what, over and over again…