...And Counting

I was talking with someone online last night and as the conversation turned to dating I realized that it’s been almost 9 months since I went out on a real date. I had to really think back to when my last date, (where I dressed up, he picked me up and we went somewhere alone to get to know each other), even happened. The number I finally came to actually surprised me since I hadn’t really thought about it before. I started thinking about a few other significant numbers. Like a year and half, the amount of time since Mr. Intellectual and I called it quits. He has been happily seeing someone for the past six months where as I have had a 9 month drought without even realizing it.

The strange thing is that I have been out more in the past 9 months than I have in years. I’m getting out and doing more group things, meeting up with friends, going to the bar on occasion, hanging out with my hockey team after the game and going out with the siblings to celebrate birthdays and weddings and a number of Stag & Doe’s. I have met a lot of new people in the past 9 months and I have yet to go on a date as a result- but I barely noticed until last night. Part of that has to do with the drama surrounding the Stalkerazzi, but another part of me just doesn’t seem to care.

As I sit here and try to cobble together a more normal life, one where I’m not constantly afraid and looking over my shoulder, I’m slowly awakening to the fact that I miss the companionship that a relationship or even occasional date provides. I’m also very aware of the fact that it would be a mistake to enter into a relationship right now and also grossly unfair to that person because of what I’m trying to come to terms with at the moment. Before I can consider allowing another person into my life in a serious way I need to deal with the demons that have emerged from the criminal harassment and put them to rest.

I need to find my purpose again, I need to reconnect with what drives me and fulfills me. I need to recapture that excitement that my thesis project inspired in me when I began this journey of a masters degree. I need to put aside the mantle of survival mode and start to live life again with a different purpose, one that I’m happy pursuing with or without someone by my side. In short I need to find my confidence again.