I Can't Believe I Missed This?!

I just found out this evening that the creator's of Futurama actually released a movie this week (see above). It's a straight to DVD movie, however this is something I've heard rumours of off and on for quite some time but never believed it would really happen.

I have no idea who I missed hearing about this until after the movie was released. Mind you I'm only 3 days late since it was released on November 27th, but still! I'm a huge Futurama fan and I've been hoping against hope that they'd bring back the show or make good on their promises for a movie.

The Day is Over

I'm mentally exhausted, but the day wasn't as horrible as I had envisioned it would be. Actually, I consider myself to be quite fortunate in that I have a really great group of students. I have some seriously awesome kids and it was nice to have a little one on one time with them to figure out some things and just get to know them as people and not just as my students. It was interesting how many of them have given me unsolicited compliments or encouragement on how I've been running my tutorials. Apparently my laid back style is working, and I am getting through to more of them than I first thought.

It's days like these that make me believe in what I'm doing.

The Busiest Day of the Year

Tomorrow will be one of the most hectic days of my semester thus far. I have an 11:30am French exam and then from 12:00pm until 4:00pm I have back to back meetings with students on the half hour. This is all to go over their papers for next term. The worst part about it is I don't even have any cash on me to grab a pick me up coffee at the Tim Horton's during my afternoon slump. I'm going to try to get through it sans caffeine but I have my doubts.

Favourite Quote of the Day

My Mother recently gave me a book entitled, "Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day" by Joan Bolker. It's a great little book for any person doing graduate work in any discipline.

I was reading it this afternoon while I was waiting for a couple of students to drop in to discuss their papers and came across one of the best quotes from someone named Don Graves:

"You have to be willing to be a professional nudist if you're going to write."

It was on a section in relation to sharing your writing, particularly early drafts and unfinished work with others to receive constructive criticism and support. I think this can be true of any writing though because if you write anything that someone else is going to read you are laying yourself bare in a sense. It goes hand in hand with Fussy.com's "Writing Well is the Best Revenge" t-shirts. Graves' quote made me smile on a pretty bleak day when I was beginning to hit the wall and feel completely exhausted.

Memories

My mother has been going through all sorts of old family photos in the last couple of days for a huge family tree project being co-ordinated by a few of my great-aunts. She's been scanning some of them and emailing me periodically with her finds. I had forgotten about some of them, but a lot of them have some pretty happy memories for me. It makes me intensely home sick unfortunately and I miss my brothers something fierce, especially after she sent some pictures of us joking around and being silly as kids.

The Grinch?

I'm trying so hard not to be a Grinch this year about Christmas. Generally speaking I don't like Christmas. I like aspects of it, but in general I hate the unrealistic expectations of Christmas and the unnecessary family pressure. I feel like I'm losing the Grinch battle this year and it's not even December yet.

I Want You to Want Me

I know it may appear like I love sex and I’m insatiable. Like all I want to do when I’m with you is get you in bed with me and spend all day there. The reason’s I love sex are not what you think. I haven’t even been able to orgasm during sex with you for months and it’s a rare occurrence anyways.

No, I love sex because it means that you touch me. You put your hands all over me and hold me close. You actually look at me and for that brief moment there is nothing else in your life aside from me. For that brief moment I feel like you might actually care about me. And then we part and instead of caressing me and whispering sweet nothings you roll over or move away so we’re not touching anymore. It breaks my heart when all I want is for you to touch me, hold me close and make me feel safe. It’s even worse when you wait a minute and then run off downstairs for a smoke, or to make a phone call or to get ready to go out to where ever you have to go.

I just want five minutes of your life so that I feel reassured. That I don’t feel like I’m being used even if you are my boyfriend. On the worst of days I fall asleep beside you in tears or cry in the car on my way home. On the best of days I feel hollow and alone. I hate feeling like my desires are unreasonable and that because I want to be close to you I’m an attention whore. I hate feeling like I have to beg for your attention. I hate being rebuffed. I hate feeling like I need to try harder and maybe you’ll eventually respond in kind. I hate feeling like I never have your undivided attention.

I hate how you laughed in my face and expressed supreme doubt when I said that sometimes all I want is to be held. If you wonder why I can’t ever seem to be able to talk to you. If you ever wonder why I’m sad. If you ever wonder why I look at you like that, with the serious face and deep in though. It’s because I just want to be held without sex clouding everything. For once I want to feel like you can’t get enough of me and just want to be near me; that you crave my touch as much as I yearn for yours. I want to feel like you want me.

More Vanity Plates

On my way to campus yesterday I was following a car with the plate, "DR JAYNE". It was no surprise that I followed her all the way into campus.

Walking to class I also saw another vanity plate that made me laugh. I didn't get a good look at the driver, but now I wish I had:

RIXIOU

Essay Proposal Time

My students are starting to pick topics for their major essay. For the next week and a half I'm meeting with all my tutorial students, about 25 in total, to go over their chosen topic and discuss possible thesis statements, sources and how to approach a historical essay in general. So far I've been properly impressed with most of my students in general. Obviously the really keen students would pick meeting times in the first week instead of waiting until the last possible moment to see me next week. That being said I'm happy with the variety of topics they've chosen so far. The last thing I want to do is mark 25 papers of around 10,00 words each on Conscription in WWI, or the Quebec Separatist movement come January. While both topics are engaging in their own rights there are only so many papers with identical arguments a person can read before you begin to go a little crazy.

Christmas Planning Already?!

I got an email from my oldest brother about Christmas. He and his wife are already thinking/worrying/planning for Christmas and it stresses me out. They're trying to come up with ideas for a gift for our parents. I really dislike going in on a group gift since I'm the one who usually plans and buys the gift and then has to chase down all my siblings to pay up. I've been burned too many times for me to want to participate in a group gift.

I'm thinking of getting my parents one of those digital picture frames. My mom got a digital camera last Christmas from my Dad and has yet to print out a single picture from the past year. She's taken some really great pictures of the grand kids and her own children that really should be displayed. I still need to mull this one over though.

This is a day I'm glad is over

Today was the Monday from hell. Except it wasn't Monday, it was Tuesday and the day never seemed to end. I'm happy that it's now time for me to crawl into bed and forget this day ever happened.

From my car not starting this morning, to being late from catching the bus, having a crisis of confidence in the academic arena and finding out it's going to take a couple of hundred bucks to fix my car it all just kept going downhill in a thousand little ways. There was a small glimpse of some good things this evening when I went out to Trivia night at the grad pub with my former room mate and some of my fellow graduate students in the History department. Even still there were just too many negatives for the few positives to offset them. I'm looking forward to a nice long sleep and a fresh start tomorrow.

More of the Parure

I knew I had saved a picture of the matching pin for my new parure. I have everything except the enormous brooch. It's not something I think I'd ever wear since it's pretty big and gaudy, but if I do find it the value of my set increases exponentially.

More from the Collection

I purchased this lovely in the spring at a steal. I was also able to get the matching necklace, but have yet to find the brooch to make it a grand parure instead of the full parure I now currently have. It's a fairly rare set to begin with and I've only ever seen the brooch once on a collectors website so I have a feeling it's going to be a long search to fill out this set.

Some Lines Are As True Today As They Were 412 Years Ago

Recently a line from Romeo and Juliet keeps running through my head. Mostly it is when I'm feeling intensely frustrated or hurt by the behaviour of Candidate #2. I don't even remember what it was that first made me think of it, but it's a line that has become more and more persistent as of late.

"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"

I question so much of our interaction lately and wonder at what point is the breaking point for me. At what point is this relationship doing more emotional damage than providing benefit in my life?

Will it never end?

Alone in bed this morning I was thinking about Mr. Intellectual. It’s been 3 years and change since we broke up but I still think about him almost every day and it hasn’t abated with time. Lying on my side, curled up in bed I thought of all those nights we spent together at his parents house spooning on the couch. The way he’d hold me and always wanted to be near me. I miss that closeness and security. I miss feeling truly loved. I miss the way he’d challenge me intellectually and how my mind would work over time when we were together and discussing our work. There has been a huge hole in my life since he left and so far I have yet to find a man who can fill that void. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I want someone who fulfills me emotionally and intellectually and there just hasn’t been anyone who’s been able to do both and be available to me. I wish I could stop thinking about him though, since I know he’s long since gotten over me and I’m sure doesn’t give me any thought any more since we stopped talking over a year and a half ago.

Another one of my Pieces

I bought the bracelet for my brother's wedding two years ago. After I saw this book piece and realized there was a matching necklace I knew I had to have it. After months of searching and losing it once at auction on ebay, I finally won my necklace. I also managed to snag the matching brooch after coming across it in my searching. It is beautiful and I can't wait to wear this necklace out some where special.

Le peu de temps que j'ai eu

I have a French exam tomorrow. Unfortunately I am cramming because I've been very bad at time management lately.

The one good thing of the day is that my Wednesday group of students actually talked without prodding in seminar! I'm shocked. They have been a very quiet group and it has been painful to get through the hour with them. It has been worse than pulling teeth to make our discussions last the full hour. I hope that next week continues on this positive note. I always knew they were bright students, but for whatever reason's they haven't been good at facilitating discussion on the material. What's interesting is that my Tuesday group who are usually awesome fell totally flat and didn't really engage the material or sustain discussion on it.

The Diva Cup

About four months ago I discovered an interesting alternative to tampons and pads. It came about at a time when I was pretty receptive to alternatives after a couple of bad periods, health issues and some general discomfort using tampons for the entirety of my cycle. Like most women, I assume, I had grown to dread and hate my period while wishing the week away when it was around. I was feeling desperate for something, anything, better. Enter The Diva Cup.

The Diva Cup is a relatively small silicone cup that once inserted catches menstrual fluid without drying like tampons and upsetting the pH of your vagina. I really wanted to love this product since it seemed like the answer to my prayers. After some intense research and reading from a very helpful livejournal group I went out and bought my own Diva Cup. I was actually excited for my period to see how well it actually worked for me. I really wanted it to be great for me, but the first day wasn’t so great. I had some extra cramping, minor discomfort bordering on painful, and one heck of time trying to fish around and remove it the first time. Some deep breaths, more reading on the livejournal site and giving myself time to adjust to something so different meant that it went much better. By day three I was in love with the Diva Cup, despite its corny name. There were absolutely zero leaks and I only had to change it once in the morning and once before bed. By the end of my cycle I could leave it in longer without worrying about it and I could forget about panty liners. I even went to Spin class and worked out with no problems. Once in and properly placed I forgot all about it.

My second period with the Diva Cup was a little more difficult. I had some issues with leaks and proper insertion that would mean no leaks. The same thing has been happening this time as well. When the Diva works, it is fantastic. When it doesn’t work it can be a bit of a pain in the ass, but I’m giving it time because I do love it. It’s fascinating to be able to be more aware of what goes on in your cycle and I no longer find the whole thing so icky. On my third go around, despite the leaks, I’ve been trying to find the proper insertion that works for me without leaking. I think what it comes down to is taking my time and being patient instead of rushing myself in the morning and assuming I have the technique down already. I know it will take a few more cycles before I will get it down easily and quickly, but I’m more than willing to give myself that time.

The Diva Cup’s main attraction was the health benefits, but an added benefit is the environmental factor. By using the Diva Cup I’m not throwing away all that non-biodegradable waste every month, so it’s very environmentally friendly. There also isn’t the monthly expense of all those tampons, pads and liners since the Diva is reusable and can last up to 10 years or so. So in addition to the environmental factors, the cost effectiveness and the health benefits it is definitely something I’m happy to use. I also like that it's a Canadian made product from a small mother daughter company. I think it’s a product you really have to want in order for it to work for you in terms of the patience it takes to learn how to properly use it. There is a learning curve and it takes some time in order to gain a certain level of comfort using it properly. Even with all that, I still recommend it or a similar type of product. I wish I had known about it years ago since it has made my life so much easier.

Guilty Secrets

One of my secrets is that I love watching America's Next Top Model (or any other NTM version) and keeping up with celebrity gossip on dlisted. I guess after a long day flexing my brain I like to just veg out for a breather and ingest something mindless. After that I'm ready to go again with the intellectual pursuits. It's good for me to do something so completely different from the school work, however it is definitely not a habit I publicly admit to.

Yes, I am Lazy.

Sleep deprivation, no inspiration and spending the whole weekend at my parents house with my family has meant that I have nothing to post today except this lame apology. Next week I'm going to try to get some quality out here.

Halloween, 2007

These are the pumpkin's my now former house mate and I carved this year. It was the last night I spent in my old house before moving out. Thankfully we had fun carving them in the afternoon and then handing out candy in the evening to some pretty cute kids. It helped ameliorate some of the bad feelings I had about the house.

Graduation Day

Back in June I graduated from my Master's program. At the time I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to wear. Eventually I found a pair of leopard print pumps at 9 West and knew I had to have them and the outfit would take care of itself. I wasn't sure however, if I was going to be able to snag a pair off season and on short notice. I did, and they are fantastic. Here's a little picture of me in my shoes on graduation day.

Fall in Ontario

This is the view from the back deck of my new place. It feels more like I'm at a cottage from this view than in the middle of a city. Unfortunately my window looks out on the street. Spending a summer here is going to be easy.

Illicit Posting

The only reason I'm on today and posting is because of the NaBloPoMo. I'm at Candidate #2's house and usually wouldn't be on my laptop at all. I know that by getting involved with him again I am playing with fire.

Oh, and I was right about yesterday. Today was not a very good day and it's sliding into quite bad.

Too Good to be True?

Today for a brief moment while driving home from spin class I felt free and happy. It's a feeling I'm not used to, and it usually proceeds a big crash. It scares me, and at the same time I hope it means I'm turning a corner. Only time will tell I suppose.

This & That

My Mother is in town today and tomorrow for a meeting. This is the first time she's been to my new University town in many years, and the first time she's been up to see me here. We went out for dinner, had some amazing steak at this cute little restaurant and talked a lot. It was really great to spend some one on one time with my Mother. It's funny but over the years she's become my best friend, my academic adviser, and my mom. It's nice to know she's there for me no matter what.

"Fun Size"

I'm sitting here eating leftover candy from Halloween. I am officially stress binging and having this much junk in the house is not helping my cause. We didn't get as many kids out as I anticipated and now I'm wishing I had gotten more variety. On second thought I wish I had just bought less, and handed out more to my students instead of banking on lots of kids in my young subdivision.

As for the marketing- who is the guy who came up with labeling teeny-tiny chocolate bars, and miniature packages of M&M's (wherein you receive only five peanut M&M's), as "fun size". It's a brilliant marketing ploy, but I'm not thinking they're all that fun when you eat 10 in a row because they're so small, and honestly who is satisfied with only five M&M's?? I'm bringing my extra candy back to school this week to hand out to my tutorial students before I ruin all my progress from spin class.

Day 2 of Seriously Crappy Internet

It's day two in my new place with the bad internet. I actually haven't spent a night here yet, but tonight I will be staying instead of avoiding the house. I have a lot of things to do this weekend to finish moving in and be ready for school on Monday. Instead, I'd rather just crawl under the covers and disappear for a while.

Right now I feel overwhelmingly sad. I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation, not eating properly or the stress of moving and not being impressed with a few things at the new place. I was thinking about all the moves I've made since starting University and realized that I've moved 8 times in the past 8 years. Technically the number could be 12 since I moved into my various University residences in September and moved out again in April for all four years of my Undergrad. It's no wonder I feel like an unsettled nomad. I'm thinking I'll be looking for an apartment again for this Spring. Living with people and not being in control of things is starting to take it's toll on me. In the meantime I need to figure out how to make this house and my current situation work for me.

What's really not working for me at the moment is how terrible the internet is. I don't get a signal in my bedroom, and on the main floor I get a strong signal, but it takes forever to load even the most basic page, like google. Trying to pick up my email or even read the newspaper online is bringing me to tears of frustration as it times out, doesn't load and eventually, maybe if I'm lucky, it might give me something 5 minutes later. I have yet to get my msn messenger to log in, or facebook. I get the feeling I'll be living on campus from now until I find a new house, since I can't function without my internet.

I Foresee A Long and Difficult Month

Upon moving into my new house, I quickly discovered how painfully slow and unpredictable our internet is. To say I'm upset is an understatement. We're getting new service next week, but I'm not holding my breath because it is only one step up from dial-up, and that doesn't address our poor wireless signal in the upstairs of the house. As someone who lives on and for the internet this is a disaster. The internet is my lifeline, my entertainment, my research tool and academic lifeblood. Without reliable, quick internet my job becomes that much harder. It's also going to make daily postings for NaBloPoMo that much more difficult. As if it isn't hard enough to come up with something to write about daily, now I have to fight the internet as well to make sure I get something posted every day.

I'm going to have to figure out something here, even if it means living on campus for better internet or pirating a neighbours signal. Unfortunately I haven't yet picked up any good signals from the neighbours. I think our subdivision is too new and there aren't as many students around here as in my last neighbourhood.

It's That Time of Year Again

I think I might be a glut for punishment. It's NaBloPoMo time again, and I've signed myself up. I think it would be a good incentive for me to start writing again, and get back in the habit. Or to at least start getting my thoughts out of my head and on to another medium. For the past month or two I haven't written in my journal and I haven't really posted here which isn't that good for me. Writing things out is the only form of 'therapy' and one of the only outlets I have for dealing with my internal struggles. So for the next 30 days I will be posting something (I'm not promising quality) every day.

Today I'm moving and I hope I can get my internet working at the new place by tonight.