Struggles

I close my eyes and tip my head back as the tears start to fall. Pressing the palms of my hands to my eyes with the futile hope of pressing out the image of your face behind my closed lids. Those piercing, slate blue eyes. I choke back a sob, but it’s too late to rebury the overwhelming emotions. I miss you. It’s as simple as that.

Eventually every new relationship is unfairly compared to you and comes up lacking. Perhaps it’s my self-destructive tendencies that cause me to pick less than desirable men. A sadistic loathing of myself as a person motivating my actions. There are uneasy pinpricks surrounding the veracity of the new relationship with Candidate #2. Something is not right and I leave feeling more alone and isolated inside my head after being with him than before. Yet I come back for more, whether it is to clarify the problem or torture myself I know not. It is then that you come to mind, my safe haven in a confusing world.

You were always there, even if you weren’t. I desperately wish I could forget you and move on, to let go of you and find peace with our time spent together, and I think for the most part I have. Until I find myself in the arms of another man and I’m left feeling hollow and one-dimensional. I’m left to thrash it out on my own. Struggling with my internal demons and coming to grips with the choices I’ve made in this lifetime.