Have you ever seen a summer storm brewing on the horizon? Big black clouds that billow in and swallow up the sun. If you look in front of you it’s blue and cloudless with a blazing sun and behind you is that fast approaching storm, complete with the telltale lighting and menacing thunder telling you it’s going to be trouble. That is what my depression is like at times. If I stop and face the clouds head on, it envelope’s me and surrounds me in a thick inky darkness that chokes. Right now if I stop to think it comes rolling in, but a body can’t stay busy at every given moment. It’s inevitable that I’m going down. There are just too many forces at play for me to stay buoyant.
I received an email yesterday that my thesis advisor has breast cancer or worse. This past winter I was in a class she was teaching and I know she wasn’t feeling well. She also had a biopsy of a suspected cancerous mass on her face back in February or March. I thought it might have been a suspect mole or maybe skin cancer. I’m thankful she had the courtesy to let me know first hand that she will be undergoing treatment for breast cancer instead of leaving me to hear it third or fourth hand through the vicious rumour mill within the department. This just throw’s all my work into limbo as I try to figure out who will be supervising me when I get back in fall and if it jeopardizes my thesis in any way. The last thing I want it to spend an extra year doing my Master’s when all I want is to get to the real work of my Ph.D.
The second blow is this wedding nightmare that’s happening on June 18th. I really wish we had know this woman’s true character before my brother became engaged and decided to plan for his wedding in our hometown. Really it’s not his wedding, it’s her party, as she’ll unabashedly tell you. I never in a million years could have guessed that she’d become such a tyrannical bridezilla. I can’t even repeat what a few of my other brother’s have candidly said about her. I just pray that he has a happy marriage and it doesn’t end in a bitter divorce because he doesn’t deserve that.
The final straw is something that happened last night and I’m still trying to comprehend what the hell happened. I compromised my morals and myself by my actions and now I’m at a loss on how to not only extricate myself but prevent me from becoming part of the nasty gossip at work. The last thing I wanted right now is to get involved with anyone. Especially someone who only sees my value as a sexual, beautiful object and probably couldn’t give two fucks about me as a person. After I stopped seeing the ex I thought I had promised not to waste my time with someone who couldn’t see beyond the exterior- I guess I’m more messed up than I thought.
Right now I could so easily be swept away by the familiar surroundings of my depression. I can’t even express how easily I shift into a suicidal frame of mind. Obviously I don’t handle stress well. Right now I can close my eyes, take a deep breath and feel the pressure of a prickly twisted rope around my neck, cutting off my breath and squeezing the life out of me. For some reason that brings a little relief…the planning and walk through of ending my life somehow makes the coming day a little easier to bear. The fragile hope that if it becomes too much I can just step out on life is sometimes all that can sustain me through a day of faking being happy and carefree.
I really should have gotten a ‘just-in-case’ prescription of anti-depressants from my Doctor before I left school.
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