Censored?

I’ve been an absentee blogger, my apologies- but to whom? I don’t have a fan base, and whom am I writing for anyways? There are a few things blocking me from posting regularly, the biggest being the level of self-imposed censoring I feel I need to take. Which in itself is strange, since this is an anonymous blog and I’ve only told one person about it and I doubt he’s checked back here since the first night I gave him the address. So what’s bothering me about posting openly and honestly how I feel and what’s going on in my life?

I think I’m afraid of the eventuality of people, specifically family, finding the site and seeing the real and un-censored me. There’s also that one person I told about the blog: the boyfriend of six years who I ended up leaving. While we are good friends in real life still, there are things about the relationship that I want to write about to get off my chest, but I’m afraid of hurting his feelings and the possibility that what I would write about could end the friendship we still share.

There’s also the natural tendency I harbor to hide away and not share the depth and extent of my depression and suicidal ideations. I cringe at even writing the word suicide. It’s a dirty little word that holds such horror and misunderstanding. In previous entries when I really wanted to write about it, I had edited out that section- just as I would edit out those feelings or thoughts from ‘everyday’ life and conversations. I can guarantee that no one in my life, including the ex- to whom I disclosed a lot of thing that no one else so far has been privy to- would think I’m constantly suicidal and deeply depressed. In fact, if you asked my co-workers, friends or family they’d probably say I’m a pretty happy, even-tempered person, although serious at times, especially about my school. Things couldn’t be further from the truth.

I suppose the purpose of writing this is that I need to cast off those fears and inhibitions to writing an honest and truthful account of who I am and what I’m going through. It’s hard not to put a positive spin on everything and truthfully admit that it’s not all sunshine and roses. I get suicidal. I isolate myself from family, friends and anyone I feel I’m getting too close to when I’m going through a period of major depression. Even now when I’m doing surprisingly well, I’m keeping people at arms-length, particularly men. That’s a topic for another entry though- the men at work do keep it interesting.