Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Failing to find my Strength

Today I went to one of the yoga classes at the University athletics center with a friend/colleague. I’ve been having trouble with my carpal tunnel and I know it was very helpful with that back when I did the study. I’ve also been feeling very out of sorts and unbalanced in a way I can’t quite verbalize. I was hoping this class would help both.

This class was billed as a “Yoga Stretch” class, however after things got underway it was not the relaxed stretching class we both expected. It was a power yoga class focusing more on a strength training and muscle building approach and not a peaceful, relaxed session. I left in more pain than I went in with, both physically and mentally. This was not what I expected at all.

During the warm up part where we were doing some focused breathing and eyes-closed visualization we were asked to picture something in our minds. We were supposed to find our strength, something positive about ourselves, and focus on that one thing. I couldn’t find anything. I searched in vain and nothing positive was coming to mind. There is nothing physically about my body that I’m happy about at the moment. I woke up this morning to the realization that I have allowed myself to get to an uncomfortable weight and shape, something I had promised I wouldn’t do again after I broke up with Mr. Intellectual. Academically and intellectually I’m feeling like a horrible failure and completely unfit to be here. All I am finding at the moment is a deep, abiding shame and self-loathing.

Instead of finding peace and balance for an hour I left feeling very sore and was trying desperately to hold it together. Crying during guided meditation is not a good thing, especially in front of a friend and a room full of 50 strangers. I never expected to feel so empty from something I loved so much previously.

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