Jane Canuck, Wellbutrin, 10/09/07Some days are easier than others. I’m under closer observation by my physician and my medication has been increased, but it’s not really any easier. I don’t feel like I’m drowning, but I also have a difficult time finding value in life.
I wake up and focus on getting myself out of bed. With Daylight Saving being extended this year I’m finding it especially difficult to get started in the morning when it’s still dark as night. My day seems to be focused on the next meal, the next commitment I can’t back out of and just getting through the day intact. Every night while I struggle to fall asleep I fervently wish that tomorrow will be better. The thought of continuing on indefinitely with seemingly little purpose begins to choke me. I feel like my existence serves no purpose, like I’m not doing anything or contributing anything and I will just grind through every day, going through the motions of a life, until one day it will all stop and nothing will have mattered.
The things that use to matter to me hold little interest now and I wonder if they ever will. I know that I used to love photography, needlework, reading fiction and expanding my mind through education. Now I look at those things with a disinterested eye and it evokes no emotion. It is hard to find beauty in a world that has become so emotionless for me. Sometimes I force myself to do the things I used to love, but I can’t concentrate for very long, and going through the motions is not like actually enjoying yourself. Doing something for the sake of doing it does not imbue value in that activity. Mostly I try for my Mother. I understand her worry and the desperate desire to make it all better. I see the feelings of hopelessness in her eyes and I want to tell her it’s ok. I want to tell her that sometimes despite a person’s best efforts there is nothing they can do, and that really is ok. I’m not going anywhere. I will go through the motions for you, and maybe one day I really will be ok.
I wake up and focus on getting myself out of bed. With Daylight Saving being extended this year I’m finding it especially difficult to get started in the morning when it’s still dark as night. My day seems to be focused on the next meal, the next commitment I can’t back out of and just getting through the day intact. Every night while I struggle to fall asleep I fervently wish that tomorrow will be better. The thought of continuing on indefinitely with seemingly little purpose begins to choke me. I feel like my existence serves no purpose, like I’m not doing anything or contributing anything and I will just grind through every day, going through the motions of a life, until one day it will all stop and nothing will have mattered.
The things that use to matter to me hold little interest now and I wonder if they ever will. I know that I used to love photography, needlework, reading fiction and expanding my mind through education. Now I look at those things with a disinterested eye and it evokes no emotion. It is hard to find beauty in a world that has become so emotionless for me. Sometimes I force myself to do the things I used to love, but I can’t concentrate for very long, and going through the motions is not like actually enjoying yourself. Doing something for the sake of doing it does not imbue value in that activity. Mostly I try for my Mother. I understand her worry and the desperate desire to make it all better. I see the feelings of hopelessness in her eyes and I want to tell her it’s ok. I want to tell her that sometimes despite a person’s best efforts there is nothing they can do, and that really is ok. I’m not going anywhere. I will go through the motions for you, and maybe one day I really will be ok.
2 comments:
I'm just perusing though your blog as I'm going through my bookmarks in an attempt to tame the beast the whole lot has become. I know blog's title caught my attention whenever it was that I bookmarked it originally and certainly the subject matter.
Going through what you've posted since I first read it, I am struck, as I often am, about how the Web has exposed the commonality of the human condition and connected people in an incredible way.
I say this because your 'Going Through the Motions" posting is perfect, lovely. I'm sure you know that I don't mean it's lovely that you're sitting in the centerpoint of depression. What you've said, how you've said it and that you're even saying it at all is what's perfect. I can RELATE, and I'd love to know the exact number others who do as well, if they're fortunate to read your blog, only because I bet that number would be a big one.
I trust you also know that the 'bleak' will pass, like it has before. I understand that it's easy for me to say that, wading through it in your boots right now is another.
Just know that a woman in Redmond, Washington is thinking of you and has a lot of gratitude for your words.
Shelley
Hi Shelley, thank-you so much for reading. I often feel like I'm writing words to the wind since I have an extremely small readership. But I write mostly for me, and hope that maybe something I said can help someone else, even if it's just for a moment.
I'm always touched and amazed when people reach out to me. It makes me thankful that I have this outlet and helps me see I'm not alone, even if I feel I am.
~ Jane
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