I always finding it surprising when I discover something new about myself or what makes my PTSD tick. It usually comes to me out of the blue and it's not always when I'm doing something related to the revelation. This morning I realized I have a skewed perception of anger and how I relate to it. Ever since the stalking and PTSD I have misjudged how people react to my behaviours, particularly when I can't see the person. It is how I perceive the person and it's not reality, particularly when it comes to email interactions. I am constantly thinking and fearing that my emails, or my avoidance of emails have created some kind of anger reaction in the other party. I am constantly reminding myself that for the most part people do not care or think about me, that my lack of an email back to a friend or a timely response to a professor does not create anger in them, but most likely they don't even think about it. The same can be true of face to face interactions. I'm constantly wondering and worrying that something I've said, or done will create anger in the other person and how I'll deal with it.
It's a vicious cycle and I can't believe that I am just seeing it now, 5 years after the incident. I was constantly on edge over emails from the stalker - do I respond, do I avoid, do I try to reason with him, will I say something that angers him and starts the cycle of threats, phone calls and emails. I knew that email and msn have long been a trigger that creates PTSD symptoms - particularly the computer sounds from a new email, or the pinging of a new message from MSN. It was so bad at one point that I had to change all of the sounds on my msn messenger and my email so that they wouldn't immediately make me sick to my stomach, anxious and paranoid. I spent weeks and months learning to overcome my fear of email and I'm still not completely over it. I still kind of hold my breath when I open my email or log onto messenger but it no longer holds the same terrifying feelings it once did. To find out now that I still have email issues is both enlightening and sad for me. It's good to know because now I can work on finding ways to overcome this problem, but it's also sad to see how far I've come only to realize I still have so much ahead of me.
